Alternative Facts About Parenting

There is NO laundry to be done in this home.
01/25/2017 10:26 am ET Updated Jan 25, 2017
nicole scobie

I was thrilled to learn that we now have an officially acceptable way to distort the truth to our liking. This new trend is called “Alternative Facts,” and it is one which my kids had mastered at an early age of course. But I always shied away from it, feeling that, as an adult, I should stick to actual reality. This new approach however, has opened my horizons up to a whole new world of possibilities.

I would therefore like to announce the following, which is an indication of  just how my day went today. But if this trend continues, I see that the job of parenting will be transformed from a labour of love (choked up a bit with emotion there, or what that just subtle gasping for air?) to an amazing adventure of bonding through mutual respect and growth.

  1. My son Elliot is NOT harassing me right now because he has nothing to do, saying things like “I have nothing to do” on repeat like a broken record. He is actually reading David Copperfield quietly while sitting on the living room couch, listening to Bach. Our couch, by the way, is pure white and has not the slightest stain or mark. I bought a white couch because, well, why not, right? What could go wrong? And nothing did. Of course.
  1. It is 4:32 pm as I write this and my supper plan is DONE. Everything has been pre-planned to the tiniest detail and is a completely healthy meal consisting of loads of vegetables cooked to absolute child-approval. Which is not so hard anyway because my kids adore every vegetable. Especially brussel sprouts ― they frequently wake me up in the middle of the night to beg for one more
  1. There is NO laundry to be done in this home. None. Nada. Zip. Pay no attention to that basket overflowing in the corner.
  1. I wrote to my son Jesse this morning at 7 am, asking how his trip with friends to Iceland is going, and he immediately replied, “Great mom, just woke up after a long restful night’s sleep, ready to hit the local museum and then explore historic heritage sights. Good thing I saved up my money for months before this trip so I can donate to the local charity with more than just my time. Talk to you later, I’m going to save a couple whales now.”
  1. I mentioned to my son Daniel that he had not sent me his work schedule yet despite my asking five times for it, and he promptly replied “Oh sorry mom, will get right on that, it is absolutely my priority. By the way, thanks for reminding me about taking out the garbage, I appreciate your input in my life.”
  1. If I turn around from my current position at our kitchen counter/bar, I will see that the beautiful Danish-design chair in our living room is NOT covered with my husband’s coat, fleece, and work lunch box.
  1. One of the best things about today has of course been my hair, which has magically transformed itself into these amazing golden locks of flowing cascades, despite absolutely no treatment or effort being involved.
  1. Bizarrely, Elliot’s homework today was completely easy and he was able to do it by himself with absolutely no input on my part. There were no tears and nobody fell off their chair in hysterics wailing, “I don’t understand! It’s impossible to answer that question! It’s the teacher’s fault!”

Oh I am SO happy about this whole alternative facts thing.

Life is good.

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