There has been considerable controversy lately over who in the next administration should be answering the White House phone at 3 in the morning. Although Hillary's advisors contrived that commercial in order to raise doubts about Obama's inexperience, the strategy seems to have backfired. No one on the team seems to have considered who might be on the other end of the call. Yes, it's true a few cynics are suggesting it might be some unidentified woman asking if Bill was available. My experience with mothers and daughters persuades me that nobody will answer, regardless of who is calling. The phone will be busy anyway, with Hillary talking to Chelsea.
Then there's the fact that nothing really happens to anyone at 3 in the morning except perhaps for a little urinary urgency. My memory regarding national emergencies goes back a long way -- to Pearl Harbor, as a matter of fact, which started World War II. But that sneak attack happened in the day time. Then there was the Tonkin Gulf incident, Lyndon Johnson's pretext for initiating the Vietnam War, also during the day. Then there was the hostage incident in Grenada, which resulted in Ronald Reagan's daytime invasion of that menacing Caribbean island, and his success in making it safe for duty free. Then came the two terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center which occurred under the watch of George W. Bush between 9 and 10 in the morning. And then there was the triumphant discovery that led to the Iraq invasion, that Saddam was in bed with Osama. But while this may have occurred to Donald Rumsfeld while he was sleeping, it was more likely a postprandial daydream.
Since all of these incidents -- Pearl Harbor and the World Trade Center are the exceptions -- were trumped up by our government in order to initiate hostilities somewhere, it could be argued that the White House should cancel its red phone altogether and save the taxpayer unnecessary expenses. However, if America really insists on a White House telephone operator, here's my candidate -- Admiral William J. Fallon. How can he apply for the job? He should run as Barack Obama's vice president. My reasons are the following: Admiral Fallon can salute as smartly as George W. Bush, and no doubt can swagger a bit as well. He wears multiple ribbons on his chest which more than compensate for Bush's lapel flag, an item Barack mercifully refuses to wear. He can smell a phony order -- the surge, the continued hostilities, the Iraq war itself -- and, unlike virtually anyone else in the military, is brave enough to say so. And since he is a member of the armed forces of this country, no one in the Republican Party can ever question his patriotism, as they do everybody else who questions this disastrous adventure. Barack should therefore cede to him the role of commander in chief, a title few presidents since George Washington have been qualified to have anyway. Let history decide how well he can answer a phone.