We all seek love and partnership on some level. We are creatures of connection who desire other beings to share our lives with. Our biology is hardwired for intimate connection and closeness.
Sometimes in our haste or "need" for intimacy, often out of feeling lonely, or perhaps because our self esteem is low and we believe we must ‘take what we can get’, we may choose people to partner with or enter into relationships with, who are not healthy or truly aligned, who do not honor the fullness of our being, and who may even be outright abusive towards us. We forget that we have the power to choose, either empowering relationships, or disempowering ones.
This is not romantic relationship specific, and can show up across the board: in our friendships, our intimate relationships, our business relationships, with our family, etc.
Why do we choose disempowering relationships, even when often times we know better?
Our early programming and conditioning influences and shapes the way we show up as adults. To test this theory, simply go home and interact with your parents and watch how easy it becomes to regress into old dynamics, reactive behaviors, and patterns from your childhood. Notice how no matter what actual age you are, you can quickly morph into a five year old version of yourself, with major needs, within moments of interacting with your family of origin.
We learn about relationships from what we witness and experience in our family systems, from our schooling, from the media, from society. We compile massive amounts of input and data, which imprint and create entire belief systems within our mind and in our energy bodies. From all this stimuli and encoded data, we anchor in emotional responses and create deep grooves in our brain, that become our ‘go to’ way of being, reacting, and thinking about certain things.
Our behaviors become engrained and automatic, as we blast through life on autopilot, in an almost constant unconscious state of reaction, operating primarily from our familiar anchored habitual states. In these moments, it can be easy to forget that we always have a choice in how we respond, and that we do have the power to change both the way we relate to other people, and how we show up in the world.
Neuroplasticity — our ability to form new neural connections and change the old outdated ones — allows us to rewire these deep grooves in our brain, and essentially upgrade our personal operating system. We can change the way our neurons fire, creating new healthier ways of relating and being in the world.
This requires a conscious effort on our part, plus a desire and willingness to do what it takes to make these changes last. There is no magic bullet, no quick fix, no instant solution, no ‘one-size-fits-all’ formula, to make every issue you’ve ever had magically vanish into thin air — even though this is what many people seek, and thus what many people sell and promise as the hook to engage you and lure you into their healing system.
Healing is a layered process, which unfolds over time. Even miracles, which can and do happen in an instant, often set in motion a deeper level healing process that unwinds and unravels over time as well. And as much as we may truly want to be, ultimately we are not in control of exactly what this unfolding looks like, or how long it takes. Sure, we can choose how we show up in the process. We can even use intentions and prayer to seed our desires and consciously communicate with the Universe (we can be an active participant in the process), however ultimately, Divine timing and our soul’s larger plan, have the final say, every single time.
Another reason we choose and then stay in disempowering, unhealthy, and abusive relationships, is to learn.
We will continue to attract situations and people into our lives, until we receive the teachings and the lessons they offer. This is why you may continue to have relationship after relationship with the same energetic and emotional patterns at play. The beautiful piece, is that once you glean the wisdom and shift the pattern within yourself, your external world, and the relationships you are drawn to and attract, will also change, mirroring your new personal shifts and growth.
When we stay in relationships that block us from our light, and starve us of the nutrients our soul truly needs to grow, we become out of sync with our true self and with our natural and harmonious rhythms. We become wilted flowers in desperate need of sunshine and water. When we ignore the warning signs, dismiss the bright red flags, and stay in unhealthy situations for too long, our actual survival can become a serious and pressing issue. We can become dis-eased, which manifests in many forms, as our bodies brilliant way of expressing that something is seriously wrong and out of order, on a deep soul level.
Pay attention to how your body feels in regards to your relationships.
Our bodies symptoms are not a punishment. Our bodies do not hate us. Pain and dis-ease are simply our bodies way of communicating to our personality, to our small self, that there is something to wake up and pay attention to. Our bodies will continue to scream until we begin listening to them, learn how to decode their messages, and then take the necessary and aligned actions to remedy the source of the issues.
Our mind, our body, and our soul, are all interconnected and work together to keep us healthy, aligned, and in balance. We must recognize and attune to what it is we actually require, at the deepest core level of our being, in order to truly change what is not working and to restore a healthy balance.
How do we begin to shift these unhealthy relationship patterns?
Self love is a biggie here. The most common block I encounter with my clients is an inability or struggle with being able to say “I love you” to themselves. This simple practice of saying “I love you”, has the ability to show you and reveal exactly where you are blocked, and what the deep core level issues are that are keeping you emotionally, mentally, spiritually, energetically and even physically stuck. The amount of information that rises to the surface, from this exercise alone, is absolutely stunning. I’ve witnessed people begin transforming their entire life through simply learning how to love themselves more fully.
Making the conscious choice to invite empowered relationships into your life is another key.
You must choose to love yourself enough to walk away from unhealthy or abusive relationships. Instead of staying in an unaligned relationship, or jumping headfirst into yet another version of the relationship you are leaving, get clear on what an aligned relationship entails for you. Then wait for an aligned partnership with someone who truly sees you, truly loves you, truly respects you, and truly appreciates ALL of you.
Never settle for anything or anyone who diminishes your sparkle or attempts to dim your light.
Do not allow the harsh words, or projections of fear from another, to influence or affect the way you feel about yourself. Keep in mind that people show you their inner world and their beliefs, through the language they use and the actions they choose to take. Pay attention, because people will tell you and show you exactly what they want and what they are capable of giving, when you really listen vs. hearing what you want to hear through your own perceptual filters and personal agendas.
Instead of giving away your power, practice claiming your worthiness, and begin owning how valuable and lovable — how absolutely amazing — you truly are. Choose to surround yourself with people who see you for who you are at your core, who honor the complete fullness of your being, without attempting to change or control the authentic way you express your truth in the world.
Remember, you are 100% worthy of being deeply loved and adored, profoundly respected, and treated like the incredible beautiful powerful light being you truly are. If you believe anything less than this, it’s time to learn how to claim your worthiness and to learn how to love yourself regardless of the noise and chaos that tells you otherwise.
Patiently wait for the aligned soul connections with other’s that you truly desire. And as you wait, BE the best version of yourself, clean up the areas of your life that could use some loving attention, LOVE yourself to the moon and back, and cultivate your own bright glowing inner light, daily.
You are worth it. You are lovable. You are enough. It’s time to claim your worthiness and to love all of who you are, right now.
This is all part of what I call, The Alchemy of Awakening.
Diana is a Writer, Psychotherapist, and Emotional Wellness Coach. She sees coaching clients worldwide, via Skype and phone.
You can connect with Diana on Facebook.