It's hard to keep track of all the new diseases: hoarding, obesity, alcoholism, sex addiction, affluenza, commitment-phobia, whininess, laziness, that late afternoon sluggishness, etc.
Nevertheless, I share an illness with millions* of other Americans. And nobody is talking about it. And nobody is writing about it. But it's real; I am an anti-hoarder. I am a throw-outer (not to be confused with throw-upper, which describes my recent attempt to get through an entire Donald Trump stump speech).
Hoarders are unable to part with any of their unnecessary possessions. I, on the other hand, feel an overwhelming compulsion to rid myself of all unused or unnecessary electronic devices, extension cords, hangers, magazines, clothing, pens, picture frames, blan... excuse me for a sec. Do I really need this old alarm clock? Nah, I think I'll toss it in the trash... kets, lamps, folding chairs, receipts, pillow cases, old sunglasses, two-year-old credit card statements, and all the other clutter that takes up the majority of space in a typical home.
Often, famous people are hired as spokesmen to help raise awareness of an illness. My fellow anti-hoarders, take note. We need people like Justin Bieber or Kourtney Karadashian, popular** and beloved*** celebrities, to join the cause and educate America about this very serious problem.
Other medical hurdles are harder to describe. I mean, one can't truly describe what it feels like to be in a coma. (It's like... you know how when you're watching E! and Leonardo DiCaprio is speaking to world leaders about climate change, and so you quickly grab the remote to change the channel? A coma is sort of like if you weren't able to change the channel.) You wouldn't be able to explain an upset stomach to someone who has never had a stomachache. (It's like... you know how... well, basically the Leonardo DiCaprio scenario again. My God celebrities are unbearable.)
But explaining to the normal people what it feels like to be an anti-hoarder is easy. Here goes. What is the mall's most crowded day of the year? No, it's not Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. No, it's not the day before Christmas. It's the day after Christmas. The stores are flooded with people returning their horrible gifts. And why would Americans be willing to stand in such long, boring lines to return their holiday presents, when they could just as easily wait a couple of days when the stores are less crowded? Because people are so disgusted, so horrified by your crappy presents, they can't even stand the thought of allowing these items to sit in their homes. Your friends and family hate your gifts so freakin' much, it sickens them to think these things might be desecrating their living room floors for more than twelve hours. Your friends and family could barely sleep, just knowing that your garbage presents are so close by. So the next morning, they rush out to rid themselves of all your good-for-nothing dreck.
This is what it feels like to be a throw-outer; it's the overwhelming urgency to free oneself from the stuff you don't need, want, or use. But it's not just the day after Christmas; it's all the time.
Have you ever worn a jacket on a hot day? The physical discomfort compels you to take off the extra clothing. But it's not just that. Rather, it's so invigorating to remove the extra layers from your body. A physical sensation engulfs you. Anti-hoarders get and need this same sensation when they eliminate tangible things from their personal space. Does that make sense? If not, I also have a condom analogy that fifty* percent of you might understand.
Perhaps you live with an anti-hoarder. While you're relaxing on the couch in the evening, they are scurrying around the house like a headless chicken looking for stuff to throw out.
And you know these conversations all too well.
"Honey, do you know where my headphones are? They were on the shelf, next to the TV."
"Oh, you were still using those? I got rid of them. Sorry."
"Sweetheart, what did you do with jeans, the ones with the ripped up knees that I like to wear?"
"Those things? I gave 'em away to rummage."
"Baby, where's my class ring?"
"You're not in class anymore. I threw it out."
No. We're not easy to live with. We're annoying. But it's not our fault. We can't help it. Pity us. We crave extra open space, neat and tidy shelves, organized closets. We can't stand when there is just a little shampoo left in the bottle. We purposely take more showers and use more shampoo- just as an excuse to toss the bottle into the recycling bin.
Here's a good rule of thumb for the typical throw-outer. Aside from your furniture and maybe a big television, squeeze as many of your possessions as you can into your car. The stuff that doesn't fit? Throw it out.
When I die, I want to fit my relatively small number of possessions into the coffin with me. And this will be so much more convenient for my loved ones... especially since I plan on being cremated. Because you know what happens when normal people die? Their family is burdened with the time-consuming task of discarding the deceased's many, many possessions. Because whether or not you want to keep your crap, nobody else does.
In the classic movie Heat, Robert DeNiro's thief character famously tells Al Pacino, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in thirty seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner." Anti-hoarders always feel the heat... I mean, at least in reference to our material objects. I think DeNiro was talking about people. Anti-hoarders love people; we just want people to keep only one toothbrush at a time.
Heat is really an anti-hoarder movie. Now, it does kind of show the life of anti-hoarders as sad and lonely, making it really more of an anti-anti-hoarder movie. But to be fair, Hollywood has also come out with many films in which the protagonist gives away his possessions in order to live a more simple life; yes, there are many fine anti-anti-anti-hoarder movies. It's only a matter of time before we start seeing anti-anti-anti-anti-hoarder movies. But I'm against that.
There are no anti-hoarder television shows. I suppose Anti-Hoarders on A&E would not be as entertaining. Sort of like a TLC show about thin people trying to gain 700 pounds.
Meanwhile, I offer these inspiring words to my fellow hoarders. Until they come up with a cure, don't sweat it. Despite our social status as less-than-human second-class citizens to be mocked, we are valuable, contributing members of society. So keep throwing stuff away. You didn't need it, anyway. And should you come to regret any of your throwing-out decisions, should you decide you really did want to keep that bulky metal stapler or that half-tube of glue you haven't used since 1996, remember this; you can always find more-or-less the same thing on eBay for a couple of bucks.
*estimated
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*** rough estimate