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NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- With just a matter of weeks before his inauguration, and perhaps in response to very outspoken criticism of his decision to only get one intelligence briefing a week, President-Elect Donald Trump has enlisted the Army Corps of Engineers to install a new, "all seeing, all powerful eye" on top of Trump Tower. The eye will be constructed of "the most advanced materials Earth or Middle Earth has to offer," Trump said, and will cost "roughly a billion dollars," which the reality-TV star says the taxpayers will "gladly pay to keep their dear president safe."
At an early morning press conference, Trump explained the reasoning behind the eye in a bit more detail.
"So, a lot of people, many people we'll just say, have told me that they can't believe how up in arms the media is over this intelligence briefing thing," Trump told reporters, "because they all tell me how they know I'm like the smartest person with the best brain they know. I mean, I pay them to tell me this, so clearly I'm smart enough to know how to pay people to tell me I'm smart. Anyway, as much as people are just whining like babies about this whole intelligence briefing thing, it got me to thinking. I won't need no friggin' daily intelligence briefings once this giant, flaming, all-seeing eye is installed on top of my big, beautiful building."
The eye will be designed and constructed by Sow-Ron Tech, a defense contractor that has worked with the army on several other key projects. Once designed, the army corps of engineers will be tasked with assembling and installing the eye on top of Trump Tower. The president-elect told reporters he hopes the eye will "put to rest any security concerns" Americans might have about his tenure as president.
"Let's just say that there's something I'm looking for, okay," Trump said, "like some super powerful weapon that can give anyone who possesses it the power to rule the world. And let's just say that weapon has been taken by little, short, fat, hairy people to where little, fat, short, hair people live...like Kentucky. Or a shire somewhere, whatever. Point is, thanks to this eye I'm having installed, I'll be able to find that weapon as soon as someone tries to use it. Pretty smart of me to have it installed, I know. You don't have to say it too, but go ahead, because I like to hear it."
Though he said the plan for the eye had "near unanimical support" among his team, Trump said one of his advisers was skeptical and had to be fired.
"I really liked John Smegel," Trump said, "but he just kept going on and on about how precious this was or precious that was. I don't know. He was kinda creeping me out, and I have Steve Bannon and Roger Ailes on my team."
Reached for comment, incoming Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer questioned the need for an all-powerful eye, but said that he'd take a "wait and see" approach about it.
"As an American," Schumer said, "I'm really nervous and upset by the idea of our president having some omnipotent eye installed at his house to spy on us. But as a Democrat, I'm not sure I'll have the spine or gumption to do literally even the smallest thing possible about it. So..."
The Eye of Trump is slated for completion in the second quarter of 2017.