"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Come on! Please forgive me."
Unwittingly step on someone's psychological landmine and forgiveness may not readily arrive. Most of us have negative, mental explosives buried beneath the surface of our conscious mind. They are armed and ready to be triggered with a misplaced word, look or deed.
Psychological landmines were placed in the deepest recesses of our brain as negative experiences. We bury them and do our best to keep them under wraps. However, when someone steps on one of them, watch out. Infer dishonesty and the landmine is activated. Talk about past indiscretions, bring up faults at the wrong time and place, mention an "ex-significant other" or cut them off in traffic... Ka-boom! All hell can break lose.
Emotion clouds reason.
Once activated, mental landmines can release emotional shrapnel of revenge, retaliation, reprisal, payback, and hurt. You hurt me. I hurt you. We say things we don't consciously mean. However, statements, gestures and acts can and do activate old wounds. Stepping on these fragile and volatile, hidden psychological landmines can change the entire day's complexion. More importantly, it can damage relationships.
Bringing up the negative past, comparing and judging, or just being a sarcastic jerk can set a negative tone for hours and days with people we like and love. In fact, stepping on the same landmine over time can drive an irreparable, long-term wedge between relationships.
Why do we do this? Putting others down to build-up our confidence or personal self-esteem or having the need for control may be the culprits. However, there are no excuses, especially if you want a positive relationship.
"You're an idiot!" one screams at a loved one over an innocent mistake. The person saying it feels control and better in the short-term. This verbal attack can easily conjure a negative experience from 30 years earlier with a teacher, sibling or parent. Stand back because the verbal fireworks can easily explode.
Avoid mental landmines.
Bring up money issues and she or he can instantly fly off the handle. Throw in a snide comment on body weight and say goodbye to a night of romance. Add an "I told you so" to the conversation and "see ya" to any constructive communication. Be over-controlling with your actions, words and deeds and cooperation and unity will evaporate like water on a Phoenix sidewalk in August.
Think first. Then speak.
Every day we communicate our thoughts and feelings through our body language, voice inflection, tonality, emotional feelings, and our intuitive vibes. Sometimes we step on other's mental landmines with no spoken words. "I didn't roll my eyes" you respond to your spouse. "Yes you did!" he or she screams. "If you don't believe me, then I'm leaving!" As she or he walks away, you ponder, "What did I do?" With an eye roll, heavy breath, both palms up or a shrug, another's landmine is just as easily detonated as the spoken word.
We can be sarcastic, demeaning, and threatening without realizing the negative impact and the dire consequences of our actions. We either build people up or put them down. Sometimes we unwittingly step on another person's psychological landmines.
How do you avoid these hidden, mental explosives?
You really don't want to step on them, do you?
If the goals in your professional and personal relationships are simplicity, harmony, happiness and productivity, then the S.C.O.R.E. Success System can facilitate this. Will you step on another psychological landmine? Hopefully... NOT. And you definitely won't detonate the same one twice.
S.C.O.R.E. is a simple communication process for managing your own thoughts. Just as importantly, S.C.O.R.E. and its myriad of 90-second tools can be used to positively influence the thoughts of others.
Every person has a high or low level of Self-discipline, Concentration, Optimism, Relaxation and Enjoyment (acronym S.C.O.R.E.) at any given time. These five, intangible markers operate as a cohesive, domino-like unit. Collectively, they create your overall attitude.
Your S.C.O.R.E. = Your attitude
When all markers of S.C.O.R.E. are high, peak performance and the Zone arrive. When they are low negativity, depression and poor performance are the result.
S.C.O.R.E. operates on how the human brain is organized and under a simple operating principle:
Maximize reward (positives). Minimize threat (negatives).
Our five physical senses feed our brains raw data. This data is classified as either rewarding (positive) or threatening (negative) and there will be a simultaneous positive or negative S.C.O.R.E. reaction.
When one receives rewarding information, our brain signals that we are safe to engage. This is a S.C.O.R.E. Maker. It is here that we can excel in problem solving, understanding, interpretation, empathy, compassion, and teamwork. Our collective S.C.O.R.E. increases and the results are peak performance, tranquility, peace, harmony, and a sense of knowing that obstacles will be overcome and positive results will arrive. This is obviously good.
When one receives threatening or negative information, our brain signals we are in danger, threatened, at possible risk, and not safe to engage. This is a S.C.O.R.E. Breaker. Deflating any or all of your S.C.O.R.E. markers will create an impasse in the buying and selling process, derail family unity and obliterate team cohesiveness. The consequences to the one on the receiving end can be depression, apathy, low productivity, frustration, resentment, bitterness, hatred, and anger. This is obviously NOT good.
Build up, not down.
•"I like what you've accomplished so far. Can you please check on some information for me?" This verbal volley rewards (S.C.O.R.E. Maker) the recipient as opposed to the S.C.O.R.E. Breaker, "Why didn't you gather this information? Are you kidding me? You should have known this!"
•"Is that what your Ex would expect?" This S.C.O.R.E. Breaker statement delivered with a dash of sarcasm can and probably will trigger a buried psychological landmine within the brain of your significant other. His or her S.C.O.R.E. will instantly plummet, because you took them to a negative place with your question.
•"Don't you think you should avoid dessert?" This hurtful S.C.O.R.E. Breaker question delivered to a son, daughter or spouse can crush his or her S.C.O.R.E. and unleash a firestorm of resentment and emotional shrapnel.
Humans want to engage
pleasure and avoid pain.
When S.C.O.R.E. Breakers arrive, the mental landmine detonation instantly crosses the recipient's arms in defense. He or she closes their mind to objective analysis, self-management and cooperation. Challenging one's rank, prestige, position, stature, status, and standing is another Breaker that demotes one's sense of importance in relation to others. This landmine can be devastating.
Immediately being sorry for your statements will NOT suffice. The other person needs confidence and trust to continue a positive dialogue. This may take time.
Here are simple and powerful compromises (Makers) that bolster S.C.O.R.E. and open lines of communication:
•Show appreciation, gratitude and thankfulness. "I appreciate how you feel."
•Actively listen.
•Ask for advice. "How could I have avoided this?"
•Acknowledge the value of their viewpoint. "I see where you're coming from."
•Engage with common ground and mutual interests.
•Partner with collective vision, goals, strategy and tactics. "Where do we go from here?"
•Use humor judiciously. At an impasse after stepping on the mental landmine of your "significant other," try this: "So...making out right now is not an option?" Please... only seasoned veterans need try this. Also, I am not responsible for any injuries. Please use discretion.
These Makers have proven to help diffuse many negative situations. They will also foster reception for constructive criticism or guidance in the future. Be clear. Be explicit. Be positive.
We all have a few psychological landmines buried in the deep recesses of our brain. These volatile explosives represent the negative experiences from people, places or things in our life that we unwittingly carry around with us. Stepping on these landmines with verbal and nonverbal communication can easily detonate negative feelings and thoughts. S.C.O.R.E. will plummet and a relationship will erode.
If you unintentionally step on a mental landmine, do the following:
1.Immediately lower your breathing to 6-8 breaths per minute (practice and monitor your breathing and know what this feels like long before surprise detonation).
2.Be the palm tree in a hurricane by embracing any negative outburst and let it pass through you. After approximately 90-seconds you can respond.
3.If and when you respond, do it in a slow, calm voice and demeanor.
4.No... running away, getting in fetal position, or hiding are NOT options.
5.Acknowledge (not necessarily agree) their pain as in "I see your point" or "I can understand why you feel this way."
6.Look for common ground.
7.Know your relationship by either talking it out, burying it and forgetting it, or let time lapse.
Now you know that your communication can fully reward (S.C.O.R.E. Maker) or threaten (S.C.O.R.E. Breaker) another person. Be aware of psychological landmines.
How do you really avoid mental landmines?
Always be extremely positive and aware.
Bolster S.C.O.R.E. in others at all times and you will be rewarded. Balance S.C.O.R.E. at a high level and the Zone arrives. The Zone is the only place to be for you and the people you like and love.
