On Friday, President Obama directed blue state governors to accept 10,000 refugees not from Syria, but from red states. But the leaders of these Northern states asked for increased screening measures to be implemented first.
"We know these people have come from war zones like Alabama," Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton admitted. "But we need to know if they're bringing in assault weapons. Also, we're unsure whether they'll scream 'Merry Christmas!' if our residents accidentally utter the words 'Happy Holidays' this December."
Liberal evangelicals pleaded with Obama and these New England and Midwest politicians to take in these refugees, reminding them that Jesus himself was a refugee. "These people are fleeing violence, not causing it," said Jim Wallace from the non-profit group Traveling Souls. "They've had to flee local dictators and religious zealots. They've been through quite a lot."
Ruth Phillips, a widow with two small children, made her way from Nashville to Ohio, but her ultimate destination is Vermont. "I've heard they provide Medicaid to their poor, let you vote no matter what your race is, and even have police," she told reporters. "Vermont's violent crime rate is six times lower than Tennessee's, for example. Plus, I can carry my plain red Starbucks cup with pride."
At a press conference, Housing and Urban Development Secretary Julian Castro said most of the red state refugees ironically come from Texas, where people originally came, seeking a better life. "But unless you're a CEO in the oil business, you're unlikely to be able to own your own home."
Not all of those fleeing red states were economic refugees. ABC News interviewed a schoolteacher from Louisiana, who wished to remain anonymous while his application for political asylum in Wisconsin was pending. "You see people openly carrying AK-47s everywhere, just like Yemen. Plus, I made the mistake of teaching evolution one semester. The fact that I was an Episcopalian didn't matter to them."
When confronted by New Hampshire Governor Maggie Hassan as to whether or not the refugees may be infiltrated by members of the TEA Party, Homeland Security Director Jeh Johnson sidestepped the issue. "Our country has a long history of accepting Democrats and Republicans, Christians and even non-Christians. We can guarantee that most will not 'stand their ground,' or complain that there's no Nativity scene at government buildings."
Kansas Governor Sam Brownback took on the refugee issue in his weekly radio broadcast. "Let 'em go," he asserted. "That way, we can cut taxes lower than zero percent and do what we want to the environment without those complainers. Plus, it was getting harder every year to gerrymander them."
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan offered to take some red state refugees, provided they were Muslims. "Christianity is a violent religion," he insisted, despite arguments that the Bible preaches peace. "We can't guarantee the safety of our clinics otherwise. Plus, they might want to impose 'creationa' law."
John A. Tures is a professor of political science at LaGrange College in LaGrange, Ga. He can be reached at jtures@lagrange.edu.