“It also deepened my ability to be in the presence of suffering, my own and that of others who continue to be diagnosed every day and die from this disease.” - Cary Goldberg
Cary Goldberg was diagnosed at 33 years old, with Stage 3 breast cancer, after finding a lump while breastfeeding her daughter. Her one goal after hearing the words, “you have breast cancer”, was to live to see her children go to kindergarten.
MK: How did your breast cancer diagnosis change your life?
CG: It woke me up to the false assumptions about how much time I get to walk this earth. It made me stop rushing to get to the next life milestone and slow down to witness the exquisite beauty in small things.
MK: What do you wish you'd known before being diagnosed with breast cancer?
CG: I wish that I could have known I would be one of the fortunate ones who would make it past the ten year mark. I might have focused more on my then husband and his own fears and needs around cancer, rather than just my children, believing I was going to leave them motherless and thus poured the majority of my energy and love into caring for them, at ages one and four at diagnosis. I might not have also then had to experience the trauma of divorce after cancer.
MK: How has this experience awakened you to yourself and your purpose?
CG: I had a difficult relationship with my Korean mother while growing up watching her nurse my father through poor health and his eventual death just after I turned 18 years old. I bore the brunt of her un-verbalized disappointment over how her life had turned out and did not develop many strong female relationships in my youth as a result. I now treasure my relationships with other survivors and the deep bond of sisterhood that breast cancer brings with it. Being a woman who heeds the call to support other women through their dark times is my purpose.
MK: Tell me about your advocacy work.
CG: I attended a support group for pre-menopausal women diagnosed with breast cancer and watched as one and then a second peer leader developed metastatic disease and then die. I stepped up to lead the group in their memory, and for seven years watched it grow through word of mouth, eventually serving hundreds of women in the Portland metro area. I continue to celebrate last tamoxifen parties and hold space at hospice bedsides as my friends walk their breast cancer journeys. Parallel to this, I found the answer to a five year search for a mastectomy bra that would solve my double flat body issues. I became part owner of the company and now my work life as Director of Survivor Relations with Handful is all about helping women feel positive and loving toward their post-cancer bodies.
MK: What word do you wish you could take out of the breast cancer vocabulary?
CG: Cure. There isn’t one (or many) yet, and it’s false to assume it can’t come back some 20-30 years later. Being diagnosed on the younger side makes this a painful reality. I stand with my metastatic sisters proclaiming #stage4needsmore and don’t want the clocks ticking for them to run out while pink ribbons highlight those who are “cured.” If you do the treatment as prescribed, then it’s random who lives and dies, not some failure on the part of the woman who succumbs.
MK: If there was one thing you could change about breast cancer and how people view it, what would that be?
CG: The idea that the “free boob job” is a perk. Hating your breasts for having betrayed you and wanting them off is understandable but suggesting that what you get is something great that feels and looks real...not so much. I wish that women also saw NOT reconstructing as a valid choice that reduces the likelihood of chronic pain from implants and repeated revision surgeries and increases the likelihood that full range of motion will return. Every woman should feel empowered to make the best choice for her own body, but the options shouldn’t be skewed by our breast obsessed culture.
MK: Why is it so important to you to support other women with breast cancer?
CG: When I was scared and alone in those early days of diagnosis, I turned to the internet for information and found the support I was looking for. Transferring that to gatherings with other patients in real life through the Young Survivors group only strengthened my belief that the circle of camaraderie and shared suffering had a lot to do with how I made it to the other side. I feel strongly called to reach back through the fire, time and time again, to help guide another woman through hell so that she can stand up and be counted and hopefully heed the call to help another woman diagnosed in her circle. With 1 in 8 of us being diagnosed, everyone knows someone...or becomes the someone.
MK: What would you tell a newly diagnosed young woman?
CG: You got this. And I’ll be here to lean on when you forget how to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do this!
MK: as cancer changed how you see adversity?
CG: I experienced adversity and loss in my growing up years, but I honestly thought I was “done” once I was married and having babies—everything was “perfect.” But cancer had more to teach me about humility, about humanity, and about how every day we wake up breathing, even the darkest of days, is a gift. The low lows just make the mountaintop moments more beautiful.
MK: What one word defines you?
CG: Lemonade-maker!
Learn more about Cary Goldberg, Director of Survivor Relations at Handful!