I'm from Michigan; Kalamazoo, Michigan, to be exact. We have our fair share of endearing qualities. We have the Kalamazoo Promise, a program funded by an anonymous donor in which every student that attends a public school in Kalamazoo will have his or her entire college education funded provided they attend a college within Michigan. Derek Jeter, New York Yankees superstar, calls Kalamazoo home. We're only 45 minutes from Lake Michigan, one of the most scenic views in the United States, and we find tipping over a pizza delivery guy's car and setting it on fire unprovoked at the local university a nice way to add some spice to our days from time-to-time. I personally feel the car fire is just an attempt to provide a substitute for sunshine on the numerous cloudy days during winter, though the mayor seems to disagree. But none of that can touch the awesomeness of Colorado.
If there's one thing that defines Michigan's youth it's exile. We're incredibly talented at graduating from college and bolting from Michigan's crumbling infrastructure, and I've noticed many classmates have headed to Colorado. Seriously. Ask around. The next time you see a stranger in Colorado, ask them if they're from Michigan. Odds are at least one-in-ten will say yes, and one-of-two that say they're from Michigan will use their hand to show you in what part of the state they grew up. And now that I've done a little research on Colorado, I can see why so many of my classmates are Rocky Mountain bound.
In Michigan, police officers are individuals you try to avoid. Don't get me wrong; you're glad they're there, but usually if you interact with a police officer it's because you've done something wrong, like speeding or urinating in public. Had we known police officers like to party like the rest of the students at my alma mater, maybe the relationship wouldn't have been as strained.
David Dolan is a 21-year veteran of the Colorado State Police. He was recently arrested after citizens in Colorado reported a police officer weaving in and out of traffic at 7 a.m. on I-25. When police officers found Dolan they opted to break the blue wall of silence and arrest him for "suspicion of DUI, DUI per se, and prohibited use of weapons." Looking back on my undergraduate days, maybe we shouldn't have fled from house parties when the police arrived. Perhaps they were just looking to do a keg stand before recklessly driving home impaired, chewing an entire pack of gum to "beat any breathalyzer" while simultaneously repeating the alphabet backwards "just in case," a common strategy employed by students at my alma mater.
I've also seen my fair share of neighbors gardening growing up, but I can't say I've ever seen them doing it topless, like 52-year-old Catharine Pierce in Boulder, Colorado. I'm not entirely sure of the reasoning there, though I'm no botanist. Maybe she's as pale as I am and wearing no shirt gives off rays almost as intense as the sun's, helping her garden grow. The Boulder police, after receiving complaints, arrived and suggested Pierce put on a shirt considering "children at the school across the street were playing outside." In her defense, she was wearing "a thong and gardening gloves." Pierce, living up to Colorado's awesomeness, wasn't arrested because she "wasn't breaking any laws." In Michigan you'd have to buy a girl a lot of drinks before she'd even consider gardening without her shirt on, and even if you managed to succeed the police would have stopped it before the weeds had been pulled.
With police officers that party as hard as the students, and gardeners who flash school children, I'm starting to see why so many of my classmates moved to Colorado and continue to rave about the place. I just assumed it was because they loved the show South Park.
Scott Janssen is a graduate student, blogger, and all-around drain on society.