Dear New Parent of Twins,
Congratulations. You're now part of an elite group of moms and dads -- those of us with multiples. We are one wing of the special forces of parenthood. Semper fi. The intensity of this boot camp period with two babies will leave you with a strength and pride that will spill over into everything else.
You've probably already noticed it's not like the peaceful parent-child scenes you may have envisioned when you set out to reproduce, whether that babymaking moment involved something romantic, or, as in my case, a bevy of fertility doctors.
I raise my coffee mug to all parents with multiple newborns. It is a beautiful time, even though you may feel, either intermittently or intensively, that you've been stripped of your sanity, peace and identity. You're on a hero's journey to become something else: a bada** baby wrangler.
Here are some ideas for early-days protocol:
1. Survival: Your Main Mission.
There's a reason the first weeks and months home with twins is sometimes called "the emergency phase." Not only has your body produced two new humans, but you are now tending them around the clock, right as you most crave rest.
You may be wounded by the birth, a C-section or otherwise. You may feel as though you've been dunked in hormones, or you could be in straight-up shock. If one or both kids spent time in the NICU, you may be acting as a field medic in addition to the standard challenges of being a parent.
Give yourself permission to find this stressful. It doesn't mean you don't adore your twins, or that you won't have a joyous family life. Extended sleep deprivation can make it a slog. That's okay. Don't draw conclusions. They are yours, and you are theirs. I remember how long the first 12 weeks felt, even though now, it's a hazy blip in time, and one for which I feel tremendous tenderness.
2. Support: No Mom Left Behind.
If you have family and friends nearby, don't hesitate to accept or request help. If a post-partum doula is in your budget, that money will be well spent.
If possible, join your local twins club -- these fellow Navy Seals of nurturance are incredible as resources for moral, emotional, and tactical support. If you aren't near a chapter, many of the twin-related online forums are also fantastic, and many cities have classes and support groups. The speed and specificity of the responses you'll get will be incredible. Through my local twins club discussion thread, I heard from fellow twin moms at all hours of the night, and felt so comforted by their virtual presence and excellent ideas.
If you're parenting with a partner, the in-the-trenches-with-twins teamwork that's often required can forge an unbreakable bond between you. This doesn't mean you aren't going to fight, whether it's a task-related squabble or more substantive word-warfare. Do not stay mad. Forgive. You can always get mad again later! Cultivate any and all dark humor between you. Hug it out. Laugh it out. When everyone has slept again, ease will return.
2. Schedules: Training Takes Practice.
Ideally, your twins should eat, sleep and "play" at the same times, in set intervals--often three-hour cycles in the beginning (though your doctor will advise you). Once you have your system, expect that it will likely break down. Even the best-laid battle plan may not survive contact with your babies. Revise and tweak it accordingly. The important thing is to keep at it--not until it's perfect, but until you have something workable for you.
If people around you don't understand your schedule, I've got two words for them: too bad. No one who has not spent a minimum of twelve contiguous hours with multiples needs to be heeded (except of course medical professionals). You don't have to be flexible to others right now. You have to keep your babies alive, which means keeping yourself alive.
I found the "Baby Whisperer" series to be helpful--not only in the way it outlined possible time combinations, but also how it put the key points in bold text, in clear boxes. There are other excellent twin-specific books out there with detailed information, as well as classes, clubs and forums, as mentioned above.
Routine gave law and order to our home, which would have otherwise felt like the domestic version of a failed state. We learned as we went, and schedules still help keep things smooth.
4. Sleep: It's the Target.
Figure out a parental sleep system with your partner and/or any members of your support system. Whenever you can, try taking shifts, so that each parent gets a shot at slumber. Without a schedule and without shifts, you risk a situation where no one is asleep, ever. As a new mom or dad of twins you probably already understand why that must not be. So keep aiming for a handling of time that includes horizontal periods with your eyelids closed. When large swaths of it are impossible, practice the rapid strike nap--get in, get out. Make it a priority, your ultimate form of self-care.
In the meanwhile, know that it does get easier. You, your partner and your babies will sleep, and you will grow, in every sense of the word. You'll be amazed at the love that emerges from it all. It seems incredible now, but in a matter of blinks, they'll be toddling around, and then off to school, hand in hand.
K.K. Goldberg is author of The Doctor and the Stork: A Memoir of Modern Medical Babymaking, a book about twins, twin pregnancy, and pregnancy after IVF, meant to amuse, comfort, commiserate and distract.