Erin Armstrong (aka Grishno) was the first trans woman to actively blog about her transition on YouTube. Born and raised in a small town in Utah, she started vlogging in 2006 with the initial motivation to find a community of like-minded individuals. Little did she know at the time, she would be the one starting that community herself. After spending a decade publicly sharing the ups and downs of her transition to thousands of subscribers, she has become a guiding light for the transgender community.
Erin and I chatted about the struggles growing up in a small town and how she persevered when her family rejected her.
At what point did you start realizing the significance of what you were sharing about your transition on YouTube?
When I made my 13th video, people started saying how brave I was to talk about my life online. I didn’t think it was brave. It’s just me sitting in front of a camera saying, “Hey, here’s what’s happening.” I decided to put out a challenge to my viewers to make a video blog, and we got over 50 video responses, which at the time was huge. Some of those people still make videos today. I think I was there at the right time when this community hadn’t yet taken hold.
What was it like growing up trans in such a small town?
The first trans person I met was through MySpace, and living in the middle of Utah that was huge for me. I had never met someone who was trans. Now, I’ve got to me that person for thousands of people online. I can’t believe I get to be that for people all around the world.
What would you say the biggest misconception people have of you?
Me as a person, or me as a trans person?
You as a person.
People think I’m very pure or chaste, which is weird. I remember making this video about going on a date with somebody, and people in the comments freaked out. A lot of people also assume I make videos for the fame. I never set out for any of that. It’s weird getting recognized in public. It’s something that just happened with my videos.
Aside from the viewers watching, what is your inner motivation to make YouTube videos?
Hm, that’s a big question. I’ve been doing it a long time and put blood, sweat and tears into my videos. Firstly, it’s just something I enjoy. But to connect with people is probably the biggest thing for me. During one year, I lost connection with my family because of my transition, and I was making a lot of a “chosen family” on YouTube. I found this wonderful woman who was making videos from upstate New York, and when Thanksgiving came around she said, “You know what? We’re gonna have a Transgiving!” She invited all the trans people on YouTube living on the East Coast, and some people came from the UK as well, to have this amazing Thanksgiving feast like a family. Most of these people couldn’t go home to their blood families, but they had a family here. That sort of thing is what hooked me to the YouTube community. I’ve met people who have become my family.
“Transgiving” sounds SO fun!
Yeah. (laughing) I made some drunk videos about it.
What does “family” mean to you?
Oh, geez. Well, there’s obviously your blood family. Love them or hate them, that’s who gave birth to you. But at the same time, there’s the chosen family. I think anyone in the LGBT community knows about experiencing rejection from your family because of who you are. Being able to connect with other people who’ve had that similar experience and be there for each other in that way is just as valuable. My wife is my family, my two cats are my family, but I think a lot of people from the YouTube community are my family as well.
What is it about the “chosen family” that makes them the people you want around you?
Well, sometimes your fmaily is not really chosen. It’s who’s there when you’re burning. It’s who is going to put you out and help you. It’s never who you expect it to be.
When was there a time in your life when you had this feeling you were burning?
When I start transitioning November 2004 in Utah. That also happened to be when the government voted for an anti-LGBT amendment to the constitution. That sucked! Everyone knew who you were where I grew up. You see the people you go to church with at the grocery store. Ninety percent of the people I grew up with are Mormon. And when you’re in that community, it’s like 1950’s America. The Boy Scouts are real and everyone’s camping on the weekend and having barbecues. But the second you’re out of it, holy crap! You are out of it.
I was losing a lot of friends, and at the same time, I made deals with my parents. They were paying for half of my college, and in exchange, I was going to the religious institute on campus. When I transitioned, they said, “Well, we won’t pay for Erin’s college.” There was another time when my car broke down in the middle of the night when I was getting off work. When I called my Dad to pick me up, he asked, “Well who am I giving a ride to?” My parents’ support was contingent on me not transitioning.
At the very time my world as falling apart, my family said, “No, we won’t support you.” At one point, my mom said, “You should move out of the state.” I saw it as her trying it protect herself because people in the community started to talk. Having me move meant she could continue to deny I existed, that Erin existed. And she did, for years. I wasn’t allowed to tell my grandma about my transition for ten years. Ten fucking years to tell my grandma. I finally did, and she fucking loves me now.
Before moving out, I sold everything I had. I had three suitcases and bought a one-way ticket to New York City. Five years later, I moved away when I was making a $50,000 salary, and I was married. I was like, “Yeah! I did it!” But it was hard. I was couch surfing for a long time. Some months I had to decide between paying my phone bill or rent. I’m so lucky though. I was one of the lucky ones. I had a high school diploma, barely, and moved to New York City. How many trans women do that and survive, or even thrive? It’s hard for me to say I had it hard.
Who was there for you at that time of such pain and hardship?
My wife. I met her six months after moving to New York. It was clear from the very start that it was something special. I was only 21 when we met. We’ve been dating for ten years, and married for seven. She took me in like nobody else had and supported me. I am the luckiest woman. It’s ridiculous.
I’m curious, what has you believing that it’s “luck” that’s gotten you so far?
(sigh) Oh, man. I work hard, obviously. When I want something, I will make it happen. For instance, I made myself move the New York. I would buy a 5lb sack of potatoes and a giant jar of tomato sauce and microwave the potatoes. If I was feeling fancy, they would get cheese on them. I saved up $3000! Luckily, I had a job and was able to save up.
The thing is I told every person I knew that I wanted to move to New York. So, if I don’t move, I look like a liar. I put myself in a position where I had to move. I do this with myself a lot. I’ll say something publicly to hold myself accountable. I don’t want to be a liar. I work hard and push myself constantly, but at the same time, I have an enormous privilege that a lot of people don’t. After seven years, I was able to save $27,000 and pay for two different surgeries for my gender reassignment. Hard work pays off for some people more than others.
What personal strengths did you pull on when you sat down to decide you were leaving Utah to move to New York City?
Oh, boy. I was terrified when I decided to make that move. I always had a thing for big cities. I remember the first time I went to a trans bar in Manhattan. That didn’t happen in Utah. I had the chance to reinvent myself. I got to do that in New York.
What got you through that fear?
The thing that kept me going was the fact that it possibly couldn’t get any worse. The other thing was knowing who I am.
Knowing who you are is 90% of the battle. Being able to say that I’m a transgender woman is not something I always had the ability to say.
Aside from you identifying as a transgender woman, who are you?
When it comes to fighting for the trans community, I am a passionate person. My passion for the trans community sneaks through into everything I’m doing.
In what ways would you say you are reinventing yourself right now?
Education has changed a lot in how I approach things. Going back to school in your 30’s is a lot different than when you are just out of high school and have no idea what you want to do. (laughs) I know what I want to do now because I’m a grown-up! My videos have covered a lot of where I’ve come from, but there’s so much more I’m going to do. I want to make the biggest impact I can.
What’s the one message you want your passion to get across?
That trans is fucking beautiful. It’s OK to be trans, and it’s getting better. Compared to where things were 10 years ago, it’s like night and day. It took me until I was 20 to be able to share anything about being transgender, and now I am lucky enough to mentor youth who are half that age talking about it. It’s so cool to see these kids succeed.
My journey hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been worth it.
(This article is part of a series that highlight courageous LGBT voices in the YouTube community. For other articles in the series, click here.)
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(Some of the questions asked in this interview were taken from “88 Eye-Opening Questions To Boost Your Energy”. To download a free copy, click here.)
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Frank Macri is a Certified Professional Coach and Trainer who supports members of the LGBT and expat community who desire fulfillment in their relationships and careers. For more resources, go to www.TheFrankLife.com.