As you have probably heard by now, the "have an affair today" married hookup site Ashley Madison has suffered a fatal blow. Not only did the "house of cards" come crashing down, but the "chips" fell too, as the personal information of over 32 million cheaters and cheating wannabes was dumped online when the website was hacked. Talk about being caught with your pants down!
And -- yes -- being the author of a bestselling book about infidelity my inbox blew up! My marriage and family therapist hat has been firmly on ever since. Here is a sample plea:
"What am I supposed to do? I'm scared to death. I was on the Ashley Madison website more than once. It was fun and I was feeling lonely at home. I talked to a number of women and we shared sexual fantasies and met via Skype, but we never physically met or had real sex. Is that really cheating? Do I have to confess? If so, when? Is it better to confess now, or only if I'm found out? Is there any hope that I can salvage my relationship?
Of course, there's hope! And it doesn't need to lead to divorce or a break-up. But --YES -- being on Ashley Madison is cheating; especially if it has involved secrecy, sharing intimacy with another and sexual titillation. And yes, it's better to come clean and take loving, proactive steps NOW before the sh*t hits the fan.
Three Reasons to Confess Before Getting Busted:
1. Get ahead of the healing curve
Truth is always the greatest foundation to a strong relationship, and conversation. No matter the reason for cheating in the first place, confessing opens the door to healing and gets to the heart of the bigger problem. What is REALLY HAPPENING in your life and your relationship?
People are generally pretty observant, and sense things before they say things. BEFORE you get busted, being brave and coming clean may make the ensuing aftermath less ugly. By keeping it real -- confessing and apologizing -- you have taken the first steps towards repair, stopping the damage and perhaps avoiding divorce.
3. Keeping them in the dark
"What they don't know won't hurt them," is a lie. While convenient for you [even though you are out of alignment] it doesn't change the truth. Particularly in this case, time is the enemy of all deals and is not your friend, especially if you are in a position of being caught. Unless, you are planning to leave your relationship, the sooner you come clean and deal with the emotional aftermath, the closer you are to a new, open, honest relationship.
Ready to Confess? Five Questions To Ask Yourself:
- Have you ended your affair?
- Have you addressed WHY you had the affair(s) and/or joined a cheating site?
- Have you "owned it" and regret your behavior and sincerely want to make amends?
- Are you willing to do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back and rebuild your relationship?
- Are you ready to be faithful?
If you can answer "yes" to all of the above, you are ready to confess.
FIVE THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU CONFESS:
- First, confess the whole truth to yourself. Take ownership of your infidelity and the love, attention and affection that you have denied your partner.
Plan and prepare what you want to say. This is not the time to be spontaneous or impulsive. Put on empathetic shoes and imagine if things were reversed. Let go of blame and forgive your partner for anything they did [or didn't do] that swayed you to cheat. Prepare yourself for your partner's trust, emotional safety and self-esteem to be fragile for a while. Plan for the long haul, as the discovery and admission of an affair, [especially if it is a complete surprise], is like a 9.0 earthquake to a relationship. But, the path ahead offers opportunity to rethink everything: old rules, roles, and reasons for being together. Down the road, you may be rewarded with a revitalized relationship based on truth in all things. There is real pain here so be empathetic. Your partner will probably experience everything from post-traumatic stress; shock, confusion, anger, to being highly sensitive. Be patient as your partner moves through their grief. Be ready to apologize often, ask for forgiveness and say, "I'm sorry I hurt you."
- Recognize and acknowledge the pain you have caused.
Regret what you've done and the pain it caused. Be responsible for your actions and inactions. All of them! Remedy the situation by giving your partner whatever they need to feel safe and rebuild trustIn order to heal your relationship you will need the courage of your conviction; that you want to make your relationship work, no matter what.
Your job?
To be dependable, consistent, responsive, accountable and comforting. Stay away from any and all "cheating" drugs of choice; be it a person, pornography or another site on the internet.
Be a "rock" in your vision and commitment, show genuine LOVE each day and the relationship will calm down and feel safer more quickly. Keep saying over and over, "we will get through this" to yourself and your partner.
Overcoming infidelity is a process, taking time and dedication. Reworking and rebuilding a relationship after infidelity isn't easy, but neither is divorce. Stay dedicated to picking up those pieces, and you may find a whole new way to build up your foundation again! This time, with solid bricks of truth and love.
Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.
Connect with Dr. Sheri Online:
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.