Let me tell you a story, (and beforehand, I apologize if this article have grammatical mistakes, I am Colombian, so english is not my first language, but I chose to leave it like it is, because comes from a deep place inside me, and also is nothing to do with IVF or Fertility), this story is about me, (yes, might sound egocentric, but trust me is not). I have lots of fears, I am vulnerable, I am not perfect, and what makes me more imperfect is looking for perfection.
I grew up in a home where my parents share many things between them, but love...they tried yes, of course to show me and my sister that they were together because they love each other, but it was not love. Each of them had somehow hard time in their home, so when they met, they dated for about a year and then got married. Marriage was a way out of their home, and they thought that they will be free, specially my dad, he was definitely not for marriage, he loved and still love women...so he always from the beginning have someone on the side, my mom wasn’t the only one.
On the other hand, my mom start to fall in love with him when she got pregnant from me, crazy right? or weird, maybe? but that’s what happened; so jelaousy and insecurities start to build up inside her heart and soul, and even when they had some good times together it was always a cycle that came back to the same point, and then, we were there, me and my sister in the middle, also building up in our sub conscious a bunch of mix and same feelings.
My mom loves us deeply, she was and still is a great mother, and my dad loves us in his own way and he was a good dad and still is. Me and my sister heard and saw things that are still happening today between parents, we are human, we are not perfect.
So where am I going with this story? I am going to a place , this place right now, to tell you that I grew up with a huge trust issue towards men (I guess this comes from my father), so I have issues with jelaousy and insecurity (coming from my mother of course), and why I am writing about this? Because I also make mistakes, because I want to show you that being vulnerable is not a bad thing, that facing your fears is probably one of the best ways to grow and change (No I am not changing that fast, I am still learning, and I am still fighting with my darkness), but sometimes we don’t want to face our fears, and we keep hiding them, thinking that by putting them away in a locked box, they will never come back; well let me tell you, they come back, is something very similar to a drug addict or an alcoholic, they can fall again, so the best way to fight that is making sure that every day that pass is one without drugs or alcohol.
Same with our fears, they are there, but we must face them and a knowledge that they can come up any time in any situation, How we can do that? Well I am still practicing that, and i guess that’s one of the reasons I choose to coach other people on their struggles (specifically fertility ones)... I confess you something and I also think is somehow common in us humans, we always have the answers and the advice when it comes to others, but when it comes to us, we are a mess. Because we always want to make excuses and point fingers to third parties, not us.
I have learned in the hard way that we are the only responsible for our happiness or misery, yes, you might think that to fight , or create chaos, you need two, and you are right, is true, but if you have two, and on one of you your fears come up, thats a red light to back up, walk away and face your fear, fight with it, not with the one you love, or the one you share a friendship, or the one is there for you just by being there...... by doing this, you are choosing happiness, not misery, because you will be avoiding chaos...... and is like this for every single thing in life, and yes is easy to say and write it, trust me, I know is extremely difficult when it comes to practice it in reality.
Don’t allow your fears and selfish feelings to take you to places where you don’t want to be, because it might not be a way back.
That’s the purpose of my article his month and this story about me, showing you that I am not perfect, that i make mistakes, that yes, many times I couldn’t and can’t see the light, but still I am here to learn how to forgive, and before forgiving anyone, how to forgive myself when I hurt others, how to be patience, how to love and how to be love and how to spread love, is not easy, but from what I have learn until now, is the only way to face our fears, and the only way out.....
Monica Bivas is a married mom of 3, born in Colombia and became an IVF Coach from her own struggle to conceive. She is helping women and couples no matter their choice, going through this fertility process, to approach it in a much positive way.