Ensconced in his aerie in Trump Tower high above Fifth Avenue, Donald Trump has been poring over a copy of Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals, searching for ideas how he could emulate "the political genius of Abraham Lincoln." As revealed in a leaked memo to nosocksneededanymore.com, a President Trump would be magnanimous in victory. He would channel the Great Emancipator's cabinet strategy. A President Donald Trump would make the following appointments:
Secretary of State: Bombs away Lindsey Graham;
Attorney General: To return the nation and the Constitution to the late 18th century, Ted Cruz;
Secretary of Transportation: A governor of a state millions travel through every day, with lots of experience making poor bridge and tunnel decisions, Chris Christie;
Secretary of Energy: Who better to protect the coal industry than Kentucky's own Rand Paul;
Secretary of Labor: Mr. union-buster himself, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker;
Secretary of Health & Human Services: A difficult choice from among a plethora of right-to-lifers and personhood advocates but Rick Santorum wins over Mike Huckabee;
Secretary of Commerce: Let's see if Carly Fiorina is the face of America Trump wants to project to the world;
Secretary of Homeland Security: Trump wanted to keep this portfolio for himself but was talked into appointing Ben Carson as the perfect symbol of the danger of appearing to be sleeping on the job of protecting America;
Secretary of Agriculture: Bobby Jindal needed a job now that he's no longer governor of Louisiana. Maybe being in charge of the nation's food supply would put a little meat on his bones;
Secretary of Education: Rick Perry. Oops, I forgot. Perry wanted to kill this department when he ran the first time for president;
Secretary of Interior: She wasn't running but Sarah Palin's endorsement should be worth something, especially since she's such an avid hunter, even from aircraft. And let's not forget her "drill, baby, drill" pro-oil, anti conservation battle cry;
Secretary of Treasury: Marco Rubio couldn't handle his own finances, but let's let him try balancing the nation's books;
Secretary of Veteran Affairs: Another candidate from 2008--Trump considered him a loser for getting captured, so why not saddle John McCain with one of the biggest headaches in the country that will surely have more veterans to service given The Donald's desire to increase our military involvement in the Middle East;
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Not a very sexy cabinet post, perfect for Jeb Bush;
Finally, a new cabinet post would be created--Secretary of Religion, headed by Mike Huckabee who has proclaimed, "Exercising Religious Liberty should never be a crime in America. This is a direct attack on our God-given, constitutional rights."
For vice president Trump will propose John Kasich as a reward for staying in the primary race long enough to deny Cruz the chance to send the nominating convention to a second ballot.