On Tuesday, Devon Corneal wrote about flying with children right here in this very space.
"We know, before we ever step on a plane that the other passengers hate us," she said.
She's right.
In fact, a recent survey of every single person on the planet asked, "What's your greatest fear?" One hundred percent of the respondents gave the same answer. The thing everyone was most afraid of wasn't death, divorce or being fired on national television by Donald Trump. It was being seated on an airplane next to a baby.
If you are the parent of a baby who is planning to fly in the near future, do not panic over the results of this not-fake and not-completely-made-up survey I just told you about.
Sure. You could spend hours online trying to prepare for your trip by reading article after article on tips for traveling with baby. "Bring Cheerios!" "Nurse nonstop!" "Buy everyone on the flight a drink, including the pilot!" "Drugs! For your baby and for you!"
While those are all truly excellent suggestions, I have an even better one. It's a game-changer. Actually, it's more of a lifesaver. No! It's a game-changing lifesaver. Once you learn it, you're never going to be the same.
But, before I tell you what this life-altering tip is, you have to make me a promise. You can't tell anyone else about it. If you do, and if other people start finding out about my secret, it won't work.
So, if you promise to keep your big mouth shut, you can read on.
Okay? Are we ready? Good. (And I'm sorry I was snippy.)
Here's my secret: the next time you fly with your baby...
Wait. Drumroll, please!
The next time you fly with your baby, tell the passengers around you that your daughter or son is going to be starring in a movie. Tell them you are flying to the set. That's it. That's all you have to do. It will take you about ten seconds. Maybe eight if you talk fast.
Think about the last flight you took. What was the one thing the passengers had in common? Okay. I don't know what you just answered because I'm here and you are there, so I'm just going to have to tell you.
Most of the people -- if they weren't sleeping, fiddling with their iPhones or picking out incredibly innovative products to purchase from SkyMall -- were probably reading a glossy celebrity magazine. Why? Because people love celebrities. They love them to pieces. They can't get enough of them. It is actually considered un-American not to love celebrities. So, dear reader, give the people what they want. If they want celebrities, give them one.
Tell the other passengers your baby is a celebrity.
What movie? What's the part? Who's directing? It doesn't matter. No one cares. Tell them it's a romantic comedy with Bradley Cooper and Katherine Heigl. Tell them it's an Adam Sandler film with French subtitles. Tell them it's the sequel to Titanic. (Spoiler alert: Jack's still dead.)
Trust me, once you establish that your daughter or son is about-to-be famous, your baby can cry, scream and sh$t diapers to their heart's content. Your baby is no longer annoying. Your baby is a genuine, bona fide, real-life celebrity. Congratulations! You're living the dream!
The passengers around you are going to be fighting over who gets to hold your baby when she or he cries. How can they help make your baby more comfortable? How can they help make you more comfortable? And can they get a picture? You don't think they serve meals in coach anymore? Watch what happens when you're traveling with a celebrity baby!
What are you afraid of? Getting caught? Who is going to tell on you? Your baby can't talk.