Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is John Kinnear, who blogs at Ask Your Dad and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read his selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @askdadblog on Twitter for more!
5: You ate all the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms
— TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 1, 2015
Me: It's an April Fools prank
5: You did it last week
M:
5:
M: That was practice?
5: MOM!
My kid grabbed the butter out of the fridge this morning and took a bite, so he's definitely a genius.
— Maria Guido (@mariaguido) April 1, 2015
Most of your time as a parent is spent touching things in your house and wondering why they're sticky.
— snowjob (@canadasandra) April 1, 2015
Hey little kids, you should try being an adult. We run a lot too but it's not fun and it hurts us.
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) March 31, 2015
Pretty sure my kids are plotting to kill me. Good thing they are tiny, horrible at planning things, and have 0 follow through. Good luck!
— Stevie Kinnear (@bigawesomemess) April 2, 2015
As a kid I imagined the future would be all about flying cars. As a parent, seeing the anarchy in parking lots makes me think nope.
— CuteMonsterDad (@CuteMonsterDad) March 31, 2015
Toddler logic:
Santa? Horrifying nightmare fuel.
An unexplainably massive talking bunny with human hands? Totally cool.
— SCRamelia (@notbedelia) March 29, 2015
My parents had it so easy.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 2, 2015
When they gave me my first Polaroid, they never had to say "Oh and please don't take pictures of your junk."
It's all fun and games until the 8yo pukes salsa into in the bidet.
— Dadcation (@Dadcation) April 1, 2015
In my daydreams, I'm often Daenerys Targaryen mostly because a cadre of dragon kids seem like they'd be easier to manage than my human ones.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 1, 2015
Lets put everything we own on the stairs and see if she can make it down them anyway. -My kids
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 1, 2015
Holden (3) keeps referring to his "squad." Upon further investigation, his squad is a radish, his amber healing piece and a feelings puppet.
— Los Feliz Daycare (@LosFelizDaycare) March 27, 2015
5 yr old asked if even sharks were scared of skeletons. had to admit i did not know the answer
— Tracy Moore (@iusedtobepoor) April 2, 2015
Fatherhood is not yelling at your 6yo for drilling you in the crotch with a football because it was a really good spiral.
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) April 2, 2015
It's my favorite time of the year! Putting screens in the doors and watching my children run into them.
— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) April 2, 2015
Ahhhhh, springtime.
Not now son, daddy and mommy
— Manguis (@TlaxBoy05) March 23, 2015
are about to start a huge argument
so we can decide who will help you
do your homework.
My son refuses to eat the food we prepare him, but has not problem sucking on his foot.This really should have been in the toddler manual.
— Mike Cruse (@PapaPreaches) March 30, 2015
My Kids: Why do we have to eat our vegetables?!
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) March 31, 2015
Me: Because we want to be healthy around here! (Eats another Cadbury egg)
My 4yo wouldn't eat his spaghetti (he said it "tastes boring") and instead wanted plain cottage cheese. It's my darkest #parenting hour.
— Chris Routly (@ChrisRoutly) March 31, 2015
Daddy, can you help me find my Popsicle?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2014
...and that's why we can't have nice things.
Being a parent to 4 kids is a lot like being drunk...oh wait...I'm just drunk. Carry on.
— Doug Zeigler (@scotchfulyyours) March 31, 2015
Parents spend 98% of their day calculating how much longer until the kids bedtime.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 31, 2015
Insanity isn't doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, it's negotiating with a toddler. #parenting
— Scott Posey (@FatherNerdsBest) April 2, 2015
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