Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Vacuumed the minivan and sucked up some Pixy Stix powder, some Cheetos crumbs, and possibly one of my kids.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 4, 2015

Most of my time as a parent has been spent answering questions with "maybe tomorrow."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 1, 2015

There's no way I'm going to be able to help my kids answer life's big questions. I couldn't even tell them why Ws aren't called double Vs.

— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) June 4, 2015

Toddler shoes don't come in pairs. They're only found one-at-a-time in remote areas of the world.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 3, 2015

It's called summer "break" because that is what your kids will do to everything in your house until school starts back.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 1, 2015

Thanks Disney, I told my 4yo we were having frozen pizza for lunch and now he's tripping because Elsa isn't on it.

— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) June 3, 2015

One on my 5yos made it through martial arts with his belt still tied, so I'm ready to level up to folding fitted sheets now.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 2, 2015

People who have cooler jobs than me according to my 3-year-old:

1) garbage man

2) mailman

3) guy who lives in the ATM and hands out money

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2015

6yo: Mom there's nothing to eat.
Me: Yes there is! Why do I bother? I should just buy ketchup & goldfish & call it a day.
6yo: Yum
Me:

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 2, 2015

I'm not sure hearing "get that booty over here!" is EVER sexy, but it's DEFINITELY not sexy when your 4yo says it.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 3, 2015

The thing about parenting is always smelling like sunscreen and Cheerios.

— alimartell (@alimartell) June 3, 2015

I don't care how cool you think you are, my kid found out yesterday that I can burp on command so good luck trying to compete with that!

— Darin Loves Bacon (@darinlovesbacon) June 3, 2015

"They're so much fun at that age." -parents perpetually pretending it used to be easier.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) June 2, 2015

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 2, 2015

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I'm full...what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 2, 2015

I just mixed whites and colors in the laundry so don't tell me parents can't have fun on Saturday night.

— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) May 31, 2015

Wife: I got all three kids in bed by 8:30! Bam!
Me: that is the baddest ass thing you have ever done.

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 2, 2015

I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015