Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Most of parenting is unsuccessfully attempting to sit down.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) September 4, 2017
The problem with a household with a stay at home parent is that both parents think Saturday is their day off, and both parents are wrong.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 2, 2017
Whenever I see a kid do something the first time they're asked, I just assume they've been hypnotized.— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 4, 2017
PTA room mom: We need some volunteers for the class par-— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 5, 2017
Me: PLATES AND NAPKINS!
My wife grabbed my butt last night, not to be sexy, but because she was checking a diaper in her dreams. We've been parents for too long.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) September 4, 2017
As a parent, you slowly learn to stop asking questions like, "Why is there a plastic spoon behind the bed?"— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) September 7, 2017
At the end of a long, difficult day of parenting it's so nice to know you can look forward to a long, difficult night of parenting.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 7, 2017
Moms know how to persevere. We'll reheat 1 cup of coffee over & over again because we WILL drink our coffee hot if it's the last thing we do— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) September 7, 2017
Me: I'm going to be more involved this school year.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 7, 2017
Also me: Hell no! I'm not chaperoning a 45 minute canoe trip of 4th graders!
"Did you just pee on the floor?" is just one of many fun questions I've asked my three year old today.— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) September 6, 2017
5: OMG, what is that smell?— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) September 2, 2017
Me: it's fajitas.
5: I want that smell at my wedding.
If you like spending $75 for ballpark tix, food, & drink to spend 3 hours listening to kids fight over armrests, parenting might be for you.— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) September 4, 2017
People are like "it takes a village to raise a child" and I'm like "can u give me the address for that village?" cause I could use the help— Brandon Andrina (@proathomedad) September 3, 2017
My son just told me WE are halfway done with his homework & then threw in a "Good job!"— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 6, 2017
What level of hell is this?
I love 3 day weekends because it gives my kids extra time to complain about everything we're doing and not doing.— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) September 3, 2017
It's one day before schools begins so naturally my kids just decided to start their summer projects now.— Stacey Gill Ink (@OneFunnyMotha) September 5, 2017
My 1-year-old insisted that I read her this book.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 4, 2017
It's going to be a long morning. pic.twitter.com/uXpGJLnAT2
So today was the 1st day of school & after the kids left I was a bit sad but they just got home & are arguing & now I'm like, "oh... RIGHT."— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 5, 2017
After one day of school, my son's already "sick of wearing pants with a button" and like, welcome to adulthood buddy— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 8, 2017
If you put your ear to the ground and listen closely, you can hear all the parents running to catch toddlers who don't want to go to bed.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 4, 2017
My daughter's love language is handing me back my phone at 3% battery.— Brittany Gibbons (@brittanyherself) September 5, 2017
Dropped my youngest at her first day of preschool today and swear I heard her whisper "none of your secrets are safe" as I walked away...— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) September 5, 2017