Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Store clerk: May I help you?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2018
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I used to really like my flaws and think that they made me unique. Now that my kids have all of the same annoying flaws, I can see that I was wrong.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 13, 2018
Sometimes I wonder how I could ever take for granted the miracle of parenthood, then one of my kids runs by naked & spills my coffee while wiping his nose on my shirt, & I remember exactly how.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 15, 2018
ME: too bad you won’t get to experience the joy of going into toys r us like i did
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 15, 2018
TODDLER: *removes wireless ear bud and looks up from ipad* i’m good
My 6yo is writing a death metal song about the time his little sister accidentally turned off his PlayStation.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 13, 2018
My son is trying to use his Chuck E Cheese card on the ice cream machine and I've never been so proud.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 14, 2018
Tell your kids you love them every day! Do it at their Jr. High. Be sure you're wearing a fanny pack & a shirt with a picture of them on it.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 10, 2018
Me: *reaching something on a high shelf* What would you do without me?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018
5-year-old: Watch whatever I want on Netflix.
My 3yo said she wanted to be an astronaut, and I said she had to study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science, and take a physical fitness test, and she shrugged and said, "That's just 4 things." So she's basically a nonchalant motivational speaker.
— jendziura (@jendziura) February 15, 2018
And really, who among us needs a Pulp Fiction adrenaline shot to the heart when your kid can just grab your ankle in the middle of the night?
— Marly ❄️❄️❄️❄️ (@VerbsRProudest) March 15, 2018
My 10 year old created a shared Google doc to chat with his friends and it's the most adorably nerdy solution to "my mom won't let me have a social media account" that I've seen in a while
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) March 13, 2018
I don’t usually make a big deal out of St. Patrick’s Day, but my 3-year-old told me the meerkat comes and we have to trap him to get his gold. Now I’m excited and a little nervous.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 16, 2018
I don't know anyone as cutthroat as the women in the local Facebook moms' group.
— MumMumMommyMom🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) March 15, 2018
Any cool skate punk bands that sing exclusively baby songs? Asking for myself, because my life is just so different than I ever imagined. #dadlife
— Spychka (@GrantSpychka) March 15, 2018
Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with my kid and Mickey just called a record player an ancient machine. From now on I’m going to tweet in hieroglyphics.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) March 10, 2018
If having kids teaches you anything, it's that you know absolutely nothing.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 16, 2018
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Thank you again for your support along the way. We’re truly grateful for readers like you! Your initial support helped get us here and bolstered our newsroom, which kept us strong during uncertain times. Now as we continue, we need your help more than ever. We hope you will join us once again.
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Something old
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 15, 2018
Something new
Something borrowed
Something blue
Something that might be a sandwich
- things I find on my teen's floor
I just want to be excited for something as my kids were after watching the trailer for Wreck It Ralph 2 for the first time.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 16, 2018