Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Store clerk: May I help you?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2018
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I used to really like my flaws and think that they made me unique. Now that my kids have all of the same annoying flaws, I can see that I was wrong.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 13, 2018
Sometimes I wonder how I could ever take for granted the miracle of parenthood, then one of my kids runs by naked & spills my coffee while wiping his nose on my shirt, & I remember exactly how.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 15, 2018
ME: too bad you won’t get to experience the joy of going into toys r us like i did
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 15, 2018
TODDLER: *removes wireless ear bud and looks up from ipad* i’m good
My 6yo is writing a death metal song about the time his little sister accidentally turned off his PlayStation.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 13, 2018
My son is trying to use his Chuck E Cheese card on the ice cream machine and I've never been so proud.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 14, 2018
Tell your kids you love them every day! Do it at their Jr. High. Be sure you're wearing a fanny pack & a shirt with a picture of them on it.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 10, 2018
Me: *reaching something on a high shelf* What would you do without me?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018
5-year-old: Watch whatever I want on Netflix.
My 3yo said she wanted to be an astronaut, and I said she had to study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science, and take a physical fitness test, and she shrugged and said, "That's just 4 things." So she's basically a nonchalant motivational speaker.
— jendziura (@jendziura) February 15, 2018
And really, who among us needs a Pulp Fiction adrenaline shot to the heart when your kid can just grab your ankle in the middle of the night?
— Marly ❄️❄️❄️❄️ (@VerbsRProudest) March 15, 2018
My 10 year old created a shared Google doc to chat with his friends and it's the most adorably nerdy solution to "my mom won't let me have a social media account" that I've seen in a while
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) March 13, 2018
I don’t usually make a big deal out of St. Patrick’s Day, but my 3-year-old told me the meerkat comes and we have to trap him to get his gold. Now I’m excited and a little nervous.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 16, 2018
I don't know anyone as cutthroat as the women in the local Facebook moms' group.
— MumMumMommyMom🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) March 15, 2018
Any cool skate punk bands that sing exclusively baby songs? Asking for myself, because my life is just so different than I ever imagined. #dadlife
— Spychka (@GrantSpychka) March 15, 2018
Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with my kid and Mickey just called a record player an ancient machine. From now on I’m going to tweet in hieroglyphics.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) March 10, 2018
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If having kids teaches you anything, it's that you know absolutely nothing.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 16, 2018
Something old
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 15, 2018
Something new
Something borrowed
Something blue
Something that might be a sandwich
- things I find on my teen's floor
I just want to be excited for something as my kids were after watching the trailer for Wreck It Ralph 2 for the first time.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 16, 2018