Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: What do you want to be for Halloween this year?
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 17, 2018
3yo: Asleep.
Can't say she's not mine.
Nothing like seeing a new dad at Disney World find out a Mickey shaped balloon with a glow stick in it is $35. Welcome to the club buddy.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 16, 2018
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) September 19, 2018
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
You'll know parents by the way they are compelled to point out any and all cows to anyone who happens to be in the car with them.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) September 17, 2018
The attention and detail required to sneak anything nutritional into my child's diet makes it feel very similar to poisoning a king.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) September 19, 2018
[visiting my parents]
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) September 20, 2018
8: woah, check out this big ass CD
Me: that's a record
8: yea, a record for the biggest CD ever
Me: *scrolling through instagram*
— Katie (@hurrahforgin) September 15, 2018
8 yr old: Who’s that person?
Me: I don’t know.
8 yr old: Who’s that person?
Me: I don’t know.
8 yr old: What’s that dog called?
Me: I don’t know.
8 yr old: Why are you looking at photos of people and dogs you don’t know?
Me: I don’t know...
Child: I can’t wait to be an adult.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 15, 2018
Me [tweezing my ear hairs after paying 42 credit card bills]: yeah it’s fantastic
[painting with my son]
— The Dad (@thedad) September 19, 2018
Son: daddy did I do it right?
Me: son, this is art. There is no right or wrong, there’s just whoa what the fuck ok yeah that’s wrong
Other moms: “I got so much accomplished this weekend. It feels good to start the week organized!”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 15, 2018
Me: “Cool. I watched 15 Hallmark movies & I wore the same outfit all weekend.”
Et tu, Scholastic? pic.twitter.com/8zYUjbqatF
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 21, 2018
*Starts a GoFundMe to replace all the patience my kids have taken*
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 20, 2018
Got the side eye from the PTA president for mentioning there should be an open bar at next week’s fundraiser.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) September 20, 2018
Calm down Carol. It’s not like I said we should do shots.
My kid had to write a sentence with each of his spelling words today.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 21, 2018
One of his spelling words is “father.”
He went with:
My father had diarrhea.
Someday 5 will be 15, and I'm waking him up at 4 in the morning to find my light saber.
— Jess (@Jessdaisy) September 21, 2018
When I was a kid, it was a great thrill to sneak ice cream when my parents had said I couldn’t have any. Now that I’m a parent, it’s a great thrill to sneak ice cream when I’ve said my kids can’t have any
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) September 20, 2018
My 5yo calls the school library “the librarium” and I will straight up murder whoever eventually corrects him.
— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) September 19, 2018
Goodnight Moon was written by a 5 year old stalling an inevitable bedtime.
— distracdad (@distracdad) September 19, 2018
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What I say: It’s dinner time.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) September 18, 2018
What my toddlers hear:
Fun as you know it can no longer be had. Now make your way to the table of ruin and eat mean things from this plate of indifference.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) September 21, 2018