Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mars will be in top position this week. It will be important to eat fresh and "clean" food. Searches for food at four in the morning while clearly intoxicated is not a good sign for your future...ever. Let's not forget the three separate occasions you have actually eaten from your neighbors dumpster because they have "organic" leftovers.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The New Moon falls in your 8th House of Deep Sharing, inspiring you to be radically honest in your relationships. However, telling your girlfriend that her butt is actually what makes her butt look big and that second hot pocket at 11 p.m. is not a good idea for those birthing hips, might get you punched.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your key planet, Mercury is receiving unexpected instructions from electric Uranus this week. The message reads, " Ouch, please stop using these new anal beads that shock. They hurt but I think I like it."
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
The Flames of Fire is in Cancer's House of Couples. The thirst for love will be big and immediate but remember patience is golden. And right now, WE WILL BUY YOUR PATIENCE, no questions asked, we mean GOLD, WE WILL BUY YOUR GOLD NOW!
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Leo's House of Love and Sexuality will be intensely stimulated the Sun, Mercury and Venus. This could contribute to more freedom and could expose you to excessive risks. Seriously, a foursome with people named after planets, use protection.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You have good vitality and an optimistic vision with physical energy overflowing. Don't spend time in cold and damp conditions... like your ex's heart. I hear OK Cupid is having a sale, shop it up!
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
The Sagittarius New Moon excites your 3rd House of Mercury. Try not to over do it with medicine or substances leading to addiction. Actually it doesn't matter where Mercury is, put those pills down, you are beginning to look worse than Lindsay Lohan.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
A lunar transit in your 7th House of Others is likely to attract some delightful companionships. There's a party going on this week and it's in the Universe's pants. The experience is well worth the ride.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Judgement could be impaired by unrealistic expectations when Mercury crosses paths with dream Neptune or it could be the giant bottle of whiskey you have been keeping next to your bed. C'est la vie!
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
With Mars on the conflicting side, Capricorn's House of Love predicts turbulence. Don't let suspicion, jealousy or possessiveness do too much damage. Go ahead, sneak-a-peek at your sweetheart's cell phone. I'm sure that random picture of his good friend Lisa's boob is totally innocent.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
The Sun and Mercury will be hiding in your 2nd Guest House. Make sure not to over do it. Rest physically and relax mentally, use this as a doctor's note from the Universe and give it to your boss. You will have plenty of free time soon enough.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
The Moon slips into your 12th House of Privacy, which means you should be lame, antisocial and miss all the awesome Borscht 8 events happening this weekend. Screw the Moon, let's watch some movies!