Everyone likes to think their marriage problems are unique, but the reality is that couples everywhere are more or less dealing with the same crap: thermostat wars, an overabundance of throw pillows and a partner who swears up and down they don’t want any fries and then eats yours off your plate.
Ah, the many joys of married life! Sometimes, you just have to laugh through the frustration so you don’t lose your dang mind.
To that end, we’ve gathered 29 comical tweets that will hit close to home for married folks.
I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2018
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 23, 2018
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Boss: I see your wife visited the office again.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) August 16, 2018
Me (picking up throw pillows): Yep
After years of secrecy and arising suspicion, my husband finally caught me in the act of shaving my toes.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) August 20, 2018
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 11, 2018
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My wife just asked me to build a new deck like I’m Jesus or something.
— Dan (@dadopotamus) August 26, 2018
Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 30, 2018
If you don’t start a fight with your husband because he’s underreacting to something that you’re overreacting to, then you’re not wife-ing it like me.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 17, 2018
Me: hey babe, can you get me th-
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) August 8, 2018
Husband: I can’t find it
My wife said I need to grow up.
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 11, 2018
I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
There needs to be a flame font for when I’m rage-texting my husband.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 23, 2018
my wife just dropped ‘your father’ in a sentence so I guess I better go change these relaxed fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks
— Gle[nn]ish (@Glennot73) June 29, 2018
I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned how to vacuum lefthanded today.
— Stephen_With_A_Ph (@sdurbin23) May 23, 2018
I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best...then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 19, 2018
Wife: You did not buy a motorcycle!
— obi (@ThaJawn) August 9, 2018
Me: *standing next to motorcycle* but look *points to saddle bag*
Wife: OMG IT HAS POCKETS! HOW CUTE!
The best marriages are never separated more than six degrees on the thermostat setting.
— DevilryFun (@DevilryFun) July 28, 2018
FaceTime with my husband and I asked to talk to the dog.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) July 26, 2018
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 21, 2018
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018
My phone updated and now my husband and I have the same exact emojis. We may never have to speak again.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 14, 2018
I bought a heavy duty night guard bc I grind my teeth. My husband likes feeling like he’s sleeping w Wayne Gretzky.
— Suds o’Bitches (@SudsBitches) August 18, 2018
If my wife wants to argue, we’re going to argue - doesn’t matter if I’ve already agreed with her - we have to argue until she says everything she planned to say.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2018
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) June 29, 2018
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 22, 2018
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Person: what does your husband do for a living?
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) July 31, 2018
Me: he's the President of Putting Up With My Shit.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2018
Me: *trying to be romantic* I bought wine.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2018
Wife: What kind?
Me: I don't remember.
Wife: What does the bottle look like?
Me: A cardboard box.
Couples on Facebook brag about their love and perfect life together. Meanwhile it's a good day when my wife and I are still speaking to each other after going grocery shopping together.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 20, 2018
Before You Go
