I really wish God and I could get back on the same page where He is in the driver's seat and I am sitting beside Him letting Him navigate. I say this like God is being defiant or something--like He is asleep and won't drive. And yes, I know; I am the defiant one. I am the one not listening, not asking, not trusting, not connecting, not having faith.
I can look back at the past three years since getting sober and clearly see how God has been working in my life. I can see that when I am aligning my will with His that life is easier; it makes sense; things fall into place; I'm not forcing anything; I'm typically pretty calm and there is a peacefulness to my life.
Sounds pretty great, right? Well, it is. But here lately I have been trying to make God align His will with mine--as if I know a short cut He isn't privy to.
As I write this, I know how ridiculous this is. I mean, I knew before I wrote it but for some reason putting it on paper makes me realize even more of just how absurd it sounds.
You see, ever since I got sober, I've been pretty compliant with turning my will over to the care of God on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I let Him drive. Early on, it wasn't too hard to figure out what God's will for my life was. It was to stay sober. Recovery comes first so anything that would take me closer to a drink was most likely not God's will for my life. Well, this still holds true but three years into sobriety, I am living again and my life today is a little more complicated than just staying sober. There are more stops and turns and road blocks that come my way and when I am in the driver's seat these obstacles seem even more daunting and problematic.
A few weeks ago I realized I had stopped praying for God's will. I put Him in the back seat. I knew what I was doing. I knew how I wanted certain things to turn out and I didn't want His advice on it and if His will wasn't what mine was, then I was willing to take that chance and force it.
Oh my Lord, do you know how miserable that is? I don't stand a chance when this is my thought process. I have run out of gas, if you will, leaving me stranded on the side of the road. The crazy part is that I know I'm not alone. God's just haning out waiting for me to ask Him to take back over. You see...my God is such a gentleman like that. He's waiting on me to ask Him to get back in the driver's seat and lead the way.
Most of my life has been a great and often tragic example of self will run riot. I had taken God out of the driver's seat, duct taped his mouth shut and put Him in the trunk of the car for a good portion of my journey. Three years ago I released Him and asked Him take the driver's seat. But from time to time I want to drive because I think I know this exciting off-the-map-route that will be more fun and sometimes it is, but I usually end up breaking down, running out of gas, or crashing--leaving me with a mess of a situation. And who do I turn to? God, no doubt. Poor guy gladly takes back over and helps me get back on the right path. Unfortunately, I have usually gotten myself into a situation of some sort that needs some attention.
I started writing this post last week as I was stranded on the side of the road feeling a little defeated by own self will, but I woke up today and got on my knees and asked God to take back over. He isn't quite back in the driver's seat just yet but we are walking hand in hand to get gas now. It will be no time before we are back on the road...I am sure of that.