There has been a lot of talk about comprehending your EQ or Emotional Quotient but hardly any that correlates effective conversation to success in business and in life. I call this CQ or comprehending your Conversational Quotient. Maybe the two (EQ and CQ) are related in some manner, I don't know. What I do know having worked tirelessly in building a business and convincing employees, staff, clients, customers, partners and investors - is that conversation matters, often a lot.
I therefore started wondering if there was a way to understand the art and science of conversation. In just about every context, conversation is emphasized as not only a virtue, but as a practical tool. I wanted to know what makes conversation potent and enriching, both at the individual and the organizational levels.
This article highlights thoughts on the subject from my new book on self development. I will warn it is not a short one, as this is a topic just too important to gloss over.
We have been inculcated with the belief that conversations are just about sharing information, giving directives, resolving differences, and voicing to our thoughts. Although they are all those things, they are also so much more. This couldn’t be more false.
Conversations are robust and living things that change as we do. Yes, they allow us to transfer ideas, but they also allow us to sow trust. It is with trust, vision, and collaboration that great things can happen. And all this must start with effective communication.
Businesspeople will tell you to grasp the nuances of language and conversation is indispensable to business success. Some people do this intuitively. The subtleties of how to start a conversation, how to build it and use it to shape thinking. Those people experience conversations as living entities with independent personalities.
For others, conversations are much like shooting at moving targets. Hit or miss.
By breaking down what happens in conversation more generally, we can home in on some important takeaways that can help us communicate purposefully and nurture cultures of success.
The Three Types of Conversation
There are three types of conversation in business. They can be easily characterized by their intended goals, which you should keep in mind from the onset of any conversation.
The first is Transactional. This involves exchanging information.
The second is Positional. This involves exchanges of power and influence.
The third is Transformational. This involves exchanges about collaboration and moving forward together.
Of course, conversations go beyond your intended goal. They are multifaceted linguistic interactions with great complexity brewing below the surface. That’s because communication happens at various levels simultaneously and often much of what we convey to another person is non-verbal.
Communication Vs. Conversation
Our bodies send us innumerable cues that we respond to both consciously and unconsciously. When we are in the presence of another person, those cues are ignited and amplified, especially when the person is unknown to us. These underlying forces influence if not dictate the outcomes and progressions of conversations. We communicate with people at multiple levels, and sometimes, those levels don’t harmonize.
If we detect our interlocutor as a threat, our ability to converse will suffer and the conversation will stagger. As our heart rate increases and our brains fire all sorts of signals urging us to flee, the conversation won’t deepen. This can be good at times; it can also be detrimental.
This reaction can occur whether or not you want it to. It’s one of the beauties and curses of our biology. At any given time, the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex can be in concert or in disharmony. Although we do not have full-control over our primitive or instinctual brain processes, we can quell, guide, and habituate them.
Blame the Primitive Brain
For fruitful conversation a balancing act must be performed. When the amygdala overreacts, it can cause us to adopt a point of view narrower than we would have were we to reflect. However, in the heat and anxiety of an exchange it can be difficult to conjure up that awareness. It is difficult yet not impossible.
When we enter a conversation our primitive brain begins to map out and categorize in an attempt to make sense of the stimuli and increase predictability. This process is sometimes misguided. We must rein it in with sheer willpower and conscious force. Failure to do this can have all sorts of unintended negative consequences.
Awareness consists of recognizing the viewpoints of others and finding ways to coalesce our own with theirs. This happens in every conversation. You test the waters, compare expectations, and identify whether views align: all this to build common ground.
Business Mindfulness
In a business context, this can cause conversation-lockdown. If we perceive the other person as hostile, we communicate that to them non-verbally. Their bodies will react and direct them accordingly. Whether or not the perceived threat is accurate, the mutually experienced reactions will prohibit trust building.
This is undesirable because trust is the seed of any productive relationship. When our bodies overreact or get it entirely wrong, trust wilts and renewing it can take time. A personal goal should be to identify our bodily signals of flight. Sweaty palms, racing heart, nervous scanning, fast paces, all these are signals of our fear response. If we can identify them and activate higher-level brain functions to ground our selves, our conversations can proceed smoothly and with ease. If we can’t, we are subject to amygdala hijack, which is when our brain floods with cortisol, a neurotransmitter that forces you into survival mode: executive functions are scaled back, autopilot kicks in, and pulling out of that state takes a lot more effort than staying in it.
A few mental habits that have helped me in moments of amygdala hijack are labeling my reaction as normal. Noticing whether I tend toward the same reaction (flight, fight, freeze, appease) every time I engage in particular levels of conversation. Choosing an alternate course of action after recognizing my own instinctive reaction. Making a decision to acknowledge my emotions but not let them dominate me. For someone unfamiliar with meditation and mindfulness this may all sound fanciful. It isn’t. There is hard science to back up the benefits of mindfulness.
Mindfulness in a conversation with one person presents its own unique set of stumbling blocks and concerns. What about group conversations? What about organizational conversations?
Thinking Big
People think and receive information differently when they are in groups or not personally addressed. Groups tend to raise the stakes and expect more from their speaker.
A few ways to build substantial connections to groups of people is through forthrightness, interpersonal connections, empathy, giving, and reducing uncertainty. These apply to one-on-one conversation also, but the stakes are higher with groups because you have fewer opportunities to get it right.
I will paint a picture.
When you tell people what is on your mind, show them that you are not so different from them, acknowledge what you think they might be thinking and give it importance, offer ways that you can help to further their interests, and reduce any uncertainty about your intentions or the feasibility of what you are saying, well, you are sure to build trust.
In business and in life, communicating effectively with groups of people is essential. When you find yourself in a leadership role, this is even more crucial. To get your message across and mobilize masses, you need to cultivate trust.
With trust all sorts of innovations can happen. Without it, people and ideas stagnate. Fear of judgment and of failure are the two banes of innovation. Leaders can instill these fears unconsciously by becoming mired in one type of discourse. I have noticed that many leaders can’t get past the transactional and positional levels of conversation because they construe their relationships as power bargaining. These leaders use their authority to command, leverage, and yell at people until those people act satisfactorily. This may accomplish some short-terms ends but it will never lead to the transformational level of conversation that changes lives and companies.
When we reach the transformational level of conversation with a person all sorts of feel-good hormones, like Oxytocin, surge inside the brain. That hormone and others strengthen our connections to people. They are addictive. We grow to love the feeling of sharing, exchanging, collaborating, and that fuels innovation. Leaders can get addicted to power, to being right. When that happens, their pleasure is derived from exerting dominance and squelching others. This is called “alpha dominance” and it is fatal. In an alpha dominated environment, conversation can never reach the transformational level. Trust can never grow.
Leaders Must Listen to Be Heard
When we picture a leader, perhaps we envision someone who yells or commands, someone with a peremptory demeanor, someone who never loses their north. These are visions of leadership that fit into an older framework; dare I say, an archaic framework.
Leaders need not be dictatorial to lead. Confidence, vision, clarity, and strong listening abilities are the stuff of strong leadership. Today, in business and elsewhere, leaders are viewed as people just like anyone else, except that they sprung into action and brought other people along for the ride.
Some would say that strong communication skills and the ability to persuade individuals and masses at all the levels of conversation (transactional, positional, and transformational) are inherent qualities of a strong leader. Whether or not that’s the case, I believe that strong leadership can be learned by understanding how to enact business mindfulness, forthrightness, interpersonal connectivity, empathy, giving, and uncertainty reduction.
When you strive to enact the attributes mentioned above accessing the three levels of conversation is simple. The reason is that trust is present. Effective leaders, above all else, have the trust of their followers. You can lead with fear, sure, but that kind of leadership is volatile and corrosive. Leadership based in trust is resilient.
From Dictator to Director
Shifting from the dictatorial perception of leadership to the relationship building perception of leadership is somewhat counterintuitive. It must start with the realization that you do not have to be in control. Strong leadership comes from setting direction and harnessing the skills and talents of your teammates to move together toward a common goal. A strong leader doesn’t need to be right all the time; doesn’t need to be overweening; doesn’t need to micromanage; doesn’t need to know all the answers; doesn’t need to administrate group dynamics.
The members of your group have gotten where they are in life without you. Throughout that time they have garnered experience, information, and skills that you probably do not have. That is an unlimited source of innovation. It is potential energy that can be left untapped by reverence to archaic power structures. The way to tap into that body of human resources can be broken down into 5 simple priorities.
1. Transparency. Be vocal about perceived threats and hostilities. When you encourage conversations that promote transparency and openness about topics that we tend to veil, trust can reveal itself.
1. Relationships. Relationships tend to revolve around core values. Good relationships are based in shared values or mutually respected ones. When you jointly decide on your core values, unity is easier to cultivate.
1. Understanding. When you are uncertain about something or you don’t understand, don’t be afraid to ask. Asking questions is an art. Ask for and listen to feedback from peers, employees, vendors, and customers. The people who don’t agree with you can provide tremendous value so long as you’re willing to listen.
1. Flexible. You don’t have to be right. To acknowledge error or ignorance is not a sign of weakness. It is not a sign of incompetence. It is a sign of curiosity and strong leadership.
2. We. You don’t have to think about yourself. When you create a team that wants to help each other grow and succeed, you need not worry so much about yourself. Thinking in collective terms means that others will look out to ensure your best interest and you theirs.
Leadership Toolkit 101
Reframe. Redirect. Refocus. Redistribute.
Remember those words because they are conversational anchors. I have often found myself in the midst of group conversations that have spiraled out of control and needed to deploy one or more of those strategies to reorient us all.
Reframing consists of paraphrasing. This takes great listening skills. People can get hung out or blinded by words, so learning to rephrase things in terms that someone else can understand is a tremendous skill.
Redirecting consists of getting back on track. This takes a list, at the very least. In meeting and group conversations, getting off track is inevitable. You can save time and mental energy by nudging people in the right direction.
Refocusing consists of shifting perspectives. This takes the combined efforts of reframing and redirecting. There are all sorts of hang-ups and distractions in groups. As a leader or otherwise, keeping an objective perspective can allow you to pull others out of narrow-minded ruts.
Redistributing consists of power displacement. This takes courage and willpower. In groups, some people tend to fall at the wayside while others dominate the conversation. Whether you are steering the conversation or not, redistributing power can foster openness, mindfulness, and non-oppositional collaboration.
A few more notes on strategy.
Remember to think in terms of shared success. Remember to ask questions and make sure you understand viewpoints before rejecting or modifying them. Remember to not aim at being right (it’s foolish, self-centered and patently counterproductive). Remember to us “we,” “us,” and other collective pronouns.
Let’s Think Together
To some, this next section will seem hackneyed. To others, it will seem commonplace. To me, I think it’s neither because I don’t see it happening enough. It’s one of those things that people think they should do, but never actually do: like going to the gym or eating more nutritious food.
Go around the room and take the temperature. Ask people how they feel about the progress made. Invitations to contribute that spur from genuine interest are the stuff of collective spirit.
A useful heuristic to employ when closing out a group conversation is: LEARN
L = What did you like about this meeting?
E = What were you excited about?
A = What produced the most anxiety?
R = What should we celebrate or reward about this meeting?
N = What next steps do we need to take?
You may think this is all cheesy, but it makes a huge difference. The new workforce demands this kind of bonding and sees it not as banal but as healthy.
All this goes a long way toward inculcating companies with a culture of shared success, of teamwork, of transparency and honesty, of trust. These values and norms give rise to trust and ease conversations at every level.
When you do this, new levels of conversation can arise that all stem from the transformational level. Of course, you can’t get to these without some turbulence, usually known as the storming phase. All groups must go through it. Once you storm, clash, then you norm. Once norms are established, then you can perform. That is the Tuckerman Model of group dynamics. What I appreciate about this model is the healthy acceptance of conflict as necessary for success.
The new levels of transformational conversation that emerge after that storming and norming phases are:
Foster Conversations. These conversations orbit around teamwork aimed at building a better culture with an organization.
Humanizing Conversations. These conversations orbit around embracing new perspectives. Othering is a common occurrence. We put distance between unknowns, and us: perhaps to remove self-guilt about othering. It’s a vicious cycle.
Aspiring Conversations. These conversations orbit around shooting at possibilities and thinking ahead together. The word that best describes this level is expanding.
Navigating Conversations. These conversations orbit around practical knowledge sharing. Information exchange, best practices, and pioneering are all examples of navigating conversations. This largely involves moving away from withholding information to sharing it.
Generating Conversations. These conversations orbit around creating, producing, leading rather than relying on convention. Risky business.
Expressing Conversations. These conversations orbit around the heart. They involve getting people to speak up, to hear their voices, to challenge authorities, to push brands and people toward interpersonal growth.
Synchronizing Conversations. These conversations orbit around getting people to align and move in unison. In the context of enterprise, synchronizing takes more concrete forms. Protocols, procedures, groups meetings and the like should aim to synchronize people and resources.
Conclusion
Some people may need to learn how to speak in new ways. It isn’t natural for everyone to share their feelings, or oppose ideas, or test new theories. As a leader or as an individual just trying to build strong connections to the people around you, there are ways you can enrich the quality of your conversations.
I have listed a few here, however there are many more.
Take a step back and observe yourself and others. You will find new ways to build trust that relate to your context. You don’t have to be stilted in conversation. You don’t need to sound like a human resources robot. Just listen, respond, ask questions, build trust, and watch yourself and the people around you grow.