Thanksgiving should be a relaxing and enjoyable holiday, chock-full of turkey, stuffing, family drama, name-calling, over-eating, binge-drinking, tears and perhaps an aunt's nipple-slip. But this year, the holiday is tinged with worries over TSA pat-downs, and it's true -- there is an excellent chance that you'll find yourself up close and personal with the TSA folks.
With all of the recent controversy and negative press they've been getting, you're bound to be a little concerned over pat-downs and your privacy. I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that bad. In fact, you could, and should, make it enjoyable. Here are some excellent ideas to make your pat-down fun:
First and foremost, you'll want to get their attention. I suggest putting an uncooked turkey through the conveyor belt and telling them to leave it in for 12 hours, basting it every hour. This will almost guarantee you'll get some decent questioning and at least a superficial pat-down. Wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothing should seal the deal.
Once you're in position...
Just prior to the pat-down, put your iPhone on speaker and play some 70's porn music. This will set the mood.
Then say, "Without getting into the gory details, you might want to double up on the latex gloves." Wink and add, "you'll thank me later."
Tell them "Hide the Wand" is your favorite game.
After they pass your naughty bits with the wand, pull a live rabbit out of your pants and say "ta-da!" (note: If for some reason you are not traveling with a live rabbit, a bouquet of flowers or an endless handkerchief will suffice.)
Then, mention that they should go easy on your left side. You have an undeveloped twin, and he's cranky.
Ask if the latex gloves are ribbed for your pleasure.
Tell them you carry a lot of tension in your neck, so if they could, focus on that area.
When they start to touch you, tell them this is just like when your Uncle Pete used to say "special goodnights" to you. Add in that you promise not to tell if they buy you a Barbie. (G.I. Joe if you're a dude.)
During your pat-down, moan appreciatively, getting more and more excited. Throw in an encouraging, "Yes!" and perhaps a demanding "Say my name, bitch!"
Tell them to guess which boob is the fake one. (Substitute "ball" if you have 'em.)
Ask if they do "happy endings," or "should I just take care of myself?"
When it starts to get boring, blow a rape whistle. Plastic, of course. Can't get metal through the detectors.
As your pat down is ending, ask them if it's just you or if they too feel a real connection. Regardless of their answer, get down on one knee and propose. Tell them they'll have to do a more "private" search to find the ring.
Have a wonderful holiday.
Oh, by the way, if you do try any of these activities and find yourself in trouble, please send all complaints to my personal email at: glennbeck@foxnews.com.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.