Marriage differs so much from couple to couple, it seems impossible to accurately and concisely sum up the experience. But somehow these people managed to do it in 140 characters or less.
Below, 21 tweets about married life that are funny because they’re true.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
Marriage shouldn't require work. It should be effortless like writing a novel or breakdancing.— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) June 4, 2017
My wife's been in Homegoods so long she just qualified for medical coverage.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2017
[Me, on my deathbed]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
Married almost 20 years, my advice to dating couples is to ask this important question What are your feelings on air conditioning in May?— Mary (@AnniemuMary) May 17, 2017
"I could just get Quilted Northern and you can get whatever your brand is," the most married man in Target sighs into speaker phone.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 20, 2017
(Going to Wife's Work Party)— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 4, 2017
WIFE: Don't just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
Husband asked what I want for my bday. Answer: "I'd love some great guacamole!"— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 14, 2017
Your 40s lower not just life expectancy, but expectations.
ME: I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 16, 2016
WIFE: ok you know you won't be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes though
ME: fuck that then
Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2017
Let's get married so we can argue about whether or not to throw away a 13-year-old plate.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2017
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Wife: I have clothes for you to try on.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2017
5-year-old: *flops on the floor*
Me: Grow up.
Wife: I have some for you, too.
Me: *also flops*
My husband & I fight by changing the wifi password.— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) November 18, 2016
WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast?— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 1, 2017
ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating some nachos* kids are gross
Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 14, 2016
Wife: NO. All you do is text me questions the whole time. I'll do it.
Husbanding level: Expert.