When I share my feminist calling with people, regardless of gender, initial responses are usually a conflicting mix of skepticism and hope. I get why women’s shields go up; it is unfortunately uncommon for men to openly take on women’s issues, much less make them front and center of their life’s work. “WHO is this guy, HOW can he understand MY issues, and WHAT is he REALLY up to?”
Similarly, I have received remarks from men who are equally perplexed. “But Lawler, aren’t you a guy?” And, there are also visceral vestiges of support. “Wow! That is amazing. How can I help?”
These impressions are partly influenced by my appearance: Eurasian, fit, straight, professional, masculine. I could be just another aging frat boy (without a beer belly!). And I still enjoy a satisfying (yet brief) trip to a mosh pit.
On reflection, my path to becoming a (self-proclaimed) FemiMan requires a lot of unpacking. Being of mixed ethnicity in Southern California (in the seventies) forced me to stand up for myself as there were very few others of my particular background. I found I really liked rooting for the underdog and my medical issues and their aftermaths furthered this empathy toward those who are “disadvantaged” in some way. The spirit of defiance and questioning the status quo embedded in punk rock also became gravitational fixtures in my world view.
“For men, it’s often the first time they’ve been surrounded by a majority of women who are wicked smart, vocal, educated and progressive with their views.”
All this culminated in Vassar College, which was a truly enlightening experience. I wish EVERYONE could taste the unique elixir only Vassar can produce. For most, it is probably the first time in their lives they could escape the clutches of patriarchy and safely reflect on, discuss and improve reality from a third-party perspective. For men, it’s often the first time they’ve been surrounded by a majority of women who are wicked smart, vocal, educated and progressive with their views. It was a revolutionary re-orientation, for which I am eternally grateful. I came away from Vassar with the distinct desire to occupy the role of human first, “man” second, and with the deeply-planted kernel that just because something is different does not automatically make it lesser or bad.
There are other influences as well:
I (like Obama) was raised predominantly by my mom
My sister, who attended an all-women’s college (Wellesley) and has kept me on my toes, well, way before she matriculated
The significant support, guidance and feedback from my wife, who started college at another Seven Sisters (Smith)
Observations from my corporate endeavors, my most recent being at Rue La La which is 70% female
And of course, the gift of travel; the ability to observe and experience the human condition across the country and world through the lens of the above-mentioned kernel
What finally took me out of the closet, like President Obama’s recent spot-on observations on the need for feminist men, are my kids. Fortunately, my daughter is incredibly well-prepared for whatever lies in store for her (world, take note). And I have tremendous confidence my sons will transcend their current hooligan stage and eventually emerge as full-fledged humans. At a minimum, I am trying to make them aware and informed; “Testosterone...testosterone...here Dad goes again…”
This said, it is the state of the world they’ll inherit and the realization that it needs some fundamental re-workings that spurred me to take on the public moniker of “FemiMan.” And I am very comfortable with it.
There are three reasons I’m sharing my story:
1. To let women know there are men, and hopefully a groundswell, that have been able to push through their basic biology, ego and conditioning and want to see the world, to the best of their abilities, from the woman’s perspective, as a springboard for action. We need strong people, regardless of gender, to champion change, and we need them to work together, respectfully and humbly
2. To underscore how much effort, swathes of experiences, and time it can take (granted I can be a bit thick-headed and clueless at times) to examine one’s life and actualize those revelations. Note, we all can “get it” at dramatically different rates, drawing on our own distinctive stories. The important thing is to be open, vulnerable, and try
3. To encourage and empower more humans to pause and reflect on their uniquely individual stories (no two are alike; all are valid!), and to share and courageously add to them
Happiness comes from the journey, versus the destination; for some, specifically from the act of striving for something larger than yourself.
I couldn’t be happier.