Disappointments are part of our daily life. For many reasons things don’t always turn out as we plan or would like. It could be the job you didn’t get, a failed relationship, or other life’s challenges. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations for how things would turn out. It could be in the planning, the execution, your effort, other people, or lots of things. When faced with disappointment you can either curl up in a corner, crumbled in defeat. Or you can keep moving forward. Some people become stuck by the loss and can’t seem to get beyond it. Others have a persistence and determination that allows them to keep moving on in the face of disappointment and setbacks. What makes them different? How do you learn to cope in the healthier way?
A person who crumbles in defeat may have a more narrow view of his or her life, and believes his options are fairly limited. He puts all of his efforts, hopes and dreams into one small area. Maybe his expectations were overly ambitious and not realistic. He may have limited problem solving skills so that if and when things don’t work out in one area of his life, it feels catastrophic. He then feels defeated. He cannot see alternatives that will bring him similar satisfaction or pleasure. This may make him feel powerless to create change in his life.
A person who is able to keep going in spite of setbacks or disappointments may have a broader view of himself, life in general and his world. He believes that he has several options or alternatives in life, so that if one thing fails he sees other things to move on to. Perhaps the goals he set are more realistic and attainable. Having choices and control over those choices gives him a more optimistic view of the world, knowing that it is within his power to change his circumstances.
How do you become the healthier, more resilient person who is able to keep going despite disappointment? First, it’s helpful to keep your goals and expectations realistic, something that with effort you can accomplish. Take a close look at your personal skills and abilities, of the situation you are in, of the support people around you. Try to match your goal to fit all of that. Take small steps that are achievable for you, so that you will have a greater chance of reaching success.
Sometimes things don’t work out ― it happens to all of us. During those times it is most helpful to put the disappointing event in perspective. It’s one part in the overall path of your life. Try not to give that one event the power to control the rest of your life. Accept that an experience causing disappointment happened, recognize the effects it may have on your life, and then put it in the past. Try not to dwell on what did or did not occur. Then make plans to replace it with other things that will accomplish the same purpose in your life. Open your mind to different ideas, events, people, projects or activities that could also bring you pleasure or satisfaction. This might be a change in job, a new girlfriend, or a different way to work with your difficult teenage daughter. You can never know ahead of time whether or not a new approach will bring you even greater contentment.
Try not to let the disappointment define you. When depressed, it’s easy to believe the negative self-talk that comes after a disappointment, when we have a low view the view of ourselves, such as “I’m a loser. I never do anything right. Nobody will ever want to date [or hire] me.” Be aware of those times and try to catch yourself so that the negatives don’t overwhelm you. Try to replace the negative self-talk with other, more realistic statements that accurately reflect your current situation. For example, you might say to yourself “Well, I didn’t get that job ― they were looking for a person with a type of experience I don’t have. But I do have other skills and experiences that are valued and desirable. That will lead me to a satisfying position.”
Following a disappointment, it’s helpful to sharpen your problem solving skills. Here are some easy steps to remember: First, identify the problem you have. Think about how you personally impact the problem, what you currently do to make it better or worse. These are things that you have control over and can potentially change. Next, write down the costs to you of doing nothing and the benefits of solving the problem. This will help you get motivated for change. The next step is to think of your options, all the different things you could possibly do to correct the problem. Learn as much as you can about the problem and those options. Make a list of the pros and cons of each option. Finally, select the best solution, and identify what steps are needed to begin working on the solution, including the people you will ask to help you. This will help you to work through disappointments and setbacks.
A version of this article first appeared on Psychology Today.
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