Magda Goebbels
This has been quite a year for the Homeland. We started out with a new Chancellor and are ending it looking at the prospect of a 1000-year Reich! Despite the dawning of a new day of hope for inhumanity, you may still have doubts that swearing fealty to Adolf Hitler to-the-death is the only way forward that respects the dictates of Aryan superiority and honors the destiny of our great Deutschlander Volk.
Here in the Propaganda Ministry, we get it! You’re nervous about some dicey moments that may crop up in this first genuinely happy holiday season since the Great War, which all reasonable people recognize we lost when we were stabbed in the back by an international conspiracy of Communist bankers with suspiciously large noses. That’s why Joseph and I have come up with these five tips to make sure there’s not too much Blitzkrieg in your Blitzen when you and your loved ones celebrate.
1) Listen: When Uncle Helmut curses the foreign elements that burned down the Reichstag and necessitated our glorious Führer assuming emergency dictatorial powers, do not roll your eyes and dismiss it as “another conspiracy theory.” He may know something you don’t! How are we going to succeed in bringing peace and prosperity to all of Europe contingent on a recognition of our natural right to dominate the degenerate Slavs and Mongol-tainted Untermenschen if you close yourself off to other points of view?
2) Listen some more: After the last bit of Spaetzle has been polished off and the Schnapps glasses replenished, all right-thinking hosts will of course make sure their guests gather around the radio to hear an address from our new leader. If you have only been catching bits of his speeches here and there, (nein gut!) this is your opportunity to open your ears and be dazzled by the greatest orator in the history of the mankind. (If you have brought any Jews along to the festivities, this would be a good time to send them home in a Deutschland Uber Alles They might as well enjoy riding in a taxi while they can — there’s a little something called “the Nuremberg Laws” in the works that may make that not so easy — oops, spoiler alert!)
3) Observe: Doesn’t your handsome cousin, Kurt, look fetching in that SS-uniform clinging to his pure-blooded master race physique? Doesn’t it just make you just want to train for the 1936 Olympics in high black boots? Of course it does! Everyone loves a man in uniform!
4) Encourage: There’s no reason the children should be consigned to the Hitler Youth table for the entire celebration. They have opinions too! And they are rightly learning to listen carefully to what the adults are saying, even to write these things down in little Notebuchenwalds to report to their teachers and other blond authorities. So whatever is on your mind, feel free to share, just speak slowly and spell out all street names for the attentive little Kinder.
5) Have Fun! Nothing brings family and friends together more than engaging in long-standing holiday traditions like decorating the Tannenbaum or singing Weihnachtsleider. But the new Germany should also make some neue traditions too, don’t you think? You would be surprised how delightful it is to paint yellow stars on the shop windows of those who need to get their exit visas to some decadent Western carcass of a country before it is too late! And then you can warm yourselves around a good MeinKampfire burning books that no self-respecting Teuton would be caught dead with! (Just a figure of speech! Nobody is killing anybody, as least until the “Night of the Long Knives.”)
Hopefully these guidelines will ensure your holiday get-togethers are free of stressful Sturm und Drang. So put some goosestep in your goose and go out and (Nazi) party! Just remember you have nothing to be afraid of. National Socialists are just patriots who want to make Germany great again!
Till next time, this is Magda Goebbels, aufweidersiegheiling off!