Has-been actor, Scott Baio.
(This post is a work of satire.)
Retailers who think they can do whatever they want with their brands, and not have to answer to washed-up teenage heartthrobs, better think again.
Within minutes of former child star, Scott Baio, announcing that both he, and his wife, would no longer shop at Nordstrom, due to what they believe is a politically motivated boycott of his fantasy wife, Ivanka Trump, the nation’s top retailer announced plans to file for Chapter 11 protection.
“We are shocked and saddened by this news,” commented Jay Feeley, Nordstrom spokesman. “Chach- I mean, Scott, was our biggest customer, by far - bigger than Madonna, Barbara, Beyonce, and Kate Middleton put together. And even though he’s now crazy as a loon, without his steady influx of $60/month for Leif Garret’s’ Celebrity-Only Anti-Wrinkle Cream,’ we just don’t see how it will be possible to continue operating in the same manner, going forward. We have employees to pay. Thus, effective immediately, we’ve announced closings of 320 of our 347 stores, nationwide. The rest will be phased out within the next six months. It truly is a sad day. A boycott such as this feels like we’ve been stabbed in the back with a Baionet. Why, Chach- I mean, Scott? Why?”
A loss of such magnitude shook the stock market as well, as the Dow dropped nearly 400 points, sending Wall Street reeling, after what is now hashtagging as #BaioWatch. Tomorrow’s front page of The Retail Times reads simply, “Charles is in charge of Nordstrom.”
This many store closings will obviously mean the loss of thousands of jobs, but many soon-to-be former Nordstrom employees say they aren’t worried. “I’m a cosmetologist by trade,” said Joyce Stewart, a sixty-eight year-old Nordstrom veteran of twenty-one years, “but I’ve always dreamt of working with my hands, sixteen/seventeen hours a day in a heavy-lifting, menial labor type of job. I see this as a sign to finally do what I love, and that means helping to build a wall around Mexico.”
John Maloney, a forklift operator in receiving said, “President Trump has promised he is going to create thousands of jobs, so I’ll be just fine. Who knows? Now that there’s a vacancy, maybe I’ll end up being appointed to the National Security Council? And then, I might even get to meet the man, himself! Scott Baio, I mean, not Trump. That, in itself, is worth giving up your job for. #Baio2020!”
When reached by phone and asked to comment on the fact Scott Baio was boycotting Nordstrom in a show of solidarity to her, and her father, Ivanka Trump replied, “Who?”
A statement released minutes ago by The Fonz, condemns his nephews actions:
“Ayyyyyy. A big thumbs down to my nephew for being on the wrong side of history and looking like a nerd. Who doesn’t like Nordstrom? Even my bike likes Nordstrom. Now I know why Mrs. C always hated his guts. Even when he little, I knew there was something wrong with him. Anyone in the Fonzerelli family can start a jukebox just by banging on it. But, not my boycotting nephew. Obviously, Doing years of bad television has affected his ability to think clearly, as did dating Shortcake for all those years when she went nutso due to consuming all that MSG from the fries at Arnold’s. If he were here today, I’d tell him to sit on it. Ayyyy.”
At press time, there has been no further announcements from Richie, Pottsie, or Ralph, but sources say execs at both T.J. Maxx and Burlington are trembling.
(note: Reports of Baio’s housekeeper finding dozens of napkins with the words “Ivanka Baio” and “Vanky Loves Chachi” scrawled across them, are unconfirmed.)