04/06/2007 03:38 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Inappropriate Freed-British-Hostage Hottie Rundown!

If lasciviously evaluating the British sailors and Marines newly freed from Iran is wrong, America doesn't want to be right! Pip-Pip, Cheerio, these 14 blokes and 1 bird are HOT. My colleagues and I are rating the hostages on a scale of 1 to 4 handheld GPS units showing they were never in Iranian waters in the first place! Remember: If these troops don't get a flag-wavin' workover when they get home, the terrorists will have won. Ahoy, mateys!

They've been cooped up for two weeks and they're rarin' to go! Bob may be their uncle, but who's your daddy? Aieee!

fayeturney.jpgAP Photo/APTN, courtesy of Al-Alam

This is Leading Seaman Faye Turney, the only woman among the 15 captives. Hands off, y'all, she's married with a 3-year-old son. Iran tried as hard as it could to ugly her up with that headscarf and 99-Cent-Store curtain background, but this English Rose can "commandeer our frigate" ANYTIME she likes! Rating: 3 out of 4 handheld GPS units.

adamsperry.jpg PA Photos /Landov

YEEOOWW! We're thinking about enlisting just to get a crack at Royal Marine Adam Sperry. Look at those puppy-dog eyes and fabulous lips. Plus, we love a man who carries himself erectly. We promise, we'll find a better sheet for you to rub up against, Adam. Rating: 4 handheld GPSs!!!

chrisair.jpg AP Photo / Al Alam via APTN

Royal Marine Captain Chris Air is a little more average-Joe than Sperry, but we can get into the regular-guy type: they're more appreciative! We like the broody brow. And he's very well-spoken. Rating: 2.5 handheld GPSs.

nathanthomassummers.jpg REUTERS TV/Reuters /Landov

Why don't the British sailors come here for Fleet Week again? This is Royal Navy Sailor Nathan Thomas Summers. Love the John Cusack-esque introspective vibe, Josh Hartnetty eyebrows, and the George Clooney circa 1997 haircut! As they say in England, brilliant! Rating: 4 handheld GPSs!

flexcarman.jpg AP Photo/ Al Alam via APTN

Meet Lieutenant Felix Carman, the most charmingly good-natured sailor of the lot. In addition to his dreamy looks, he wasn't just dignified, he was kind and friendly while uttering a bogus confession to the Iranian people! That kind of inner strength rates him 4 handheld GPSs. Welcome home, Felix, 'cause we mean to give you the business!

arthurbatchelor.jpg REUTERS TV/Reuters /Landov

Aww! Is that Giovanni Ribisi or a puggle? Actually, it's 20-year-old Royal Navy Operator Maintainer Arthur Batchelor, whose online profile at Bebo is flooded with well-wishes. He knows how to fix things! Rating: 3 out of 4 handheld GPSs. (He's only 5'2".)

joetindell.jpg Sky News

This is Royal Marine Joe Tindell. Not every guy with fine English features and a peaches-n-cream complexion can pull off a semiautomatic bayonet with such cool nonchalance. Well done, old chap! 2.75 handheld GPSs.

dannymasterson.jpg REUTERS TV/Reuters / Landov

Meet Royal Marine Danny Masterson. The haircut and the beady eyes are a little bit "Rampaging Postal Worker '87" but what do you expect? The man's a trained killer. 2 out of 4 handheld GPSs.

paul barton.jpg Sky News

Is Royal Marine Paul Barton the James Blunt of the British hostages? Love the chiseled cheekbones and the sensitivity. We'll be looking for you - on the subway perhaps? - now that you've come home! 2.5 handheld GPSs.

markbanks.jpg Sky News

Excuse us, but is Royal Marine Mark Banks the captain of the HMS DREAMBOAT! Move over, Daniel Craig, now there's something meatier! (And potentially STD free). Hot-cha-cha! 4 out of 4 handheld GPSs!!!!

christophercoe.jpg Sky News

Oi! Clear your calendar for a night out with fun-loving Leading Seaman Christopher Coe! Anybody who can kid around in captivity is The Man. We bet he likes to party, and he looks frisky, no? 4 out of 4 handheld GPSs.

simon massey.jpg Sky News

'Ello, luv! Meet Seaman Simon Massey. A man who loves his work is attractive anyway, but the ruggedly boyish looks, broad shoulders, and devil-may-care effortlessness? On the downside: seems gay even for a British guy. Still... 4 out of 4 handheld GPSs

dean harris.jpg Sky News

Corporal Dean Harris is getting all Apocalypse Now on us here with the squinting and businesslike demeanor. But is that a book holder strapped onto his body? Swoon... We love smart men! 4 out of 4 handheld GPSs.

andrewhenderson.jpg Sky News

In the mood for a man of mystery? Doelike Operator Maintainer Andrew Henderson may be just the ticket. From the looks of that bulge in his cheek, he's a man of appetite! Hey, Sailor, lighten up, you're free, and we're horny! 3 out of 4 handheld GPSs.

gavincavendish.jpg Bruno Vincent/Getty

Blimey! It's Chief Petty Officer Gavin Cavendish, with the face of a teddybear and the butch attitude of a lion! Don't mess with him. On second thought... do! 3 out of 4 handheld GPSs.