A year ago last month, a smartass teenager on the street informed me that I had cankles.
Not that I hold a grudge or anything, three hundred and ninety days later.
So it was with a combination if horror and elation that I recently read that July is officially Cankle Awareness Month, thanks to the kind folks over at Gold's Gym. This prompted the following phone convo to take place between my mom and I this morning:
Mom: "What do you have on tap for today?"
Leslie: "I'm writing about cankles."
Mom: "You're going to Kinko's?"
Leslie: "No, I'm writing about cankles."
Mom: "They have a day for us?!"
For the uninitiated and slim-ankled out there, Urban Dictionary defines cankles as "The area in affected female legs where the calf meets the foot in an abrupt, nontapering terminus; medical cause: adipose tissue surrounding the soleus tendon, probably congenital, worsened by weight gain and improved in appearance only by boots. From the English "calf" meaning wide portion of the lower leg, and "ankle" meaning slender joint of leg with foot. "
Sample usage: "If I didn't have cankles, I might be able to wear those Prada loafers with my capri pants."
Or,
"Now that I'm older, I realize my cankles had a good purpose: They spared me from getting a trashy ankle tattoo."
George Costanza popularized the term on Seinfeld; more recently, Kevin Nealon lobbed the insult at a judge on Weeds :
Nealon: Don't you bang that gavel at me, you sanctimonious Jesus freak. You know, your long skirt isn't long enough lady. I saw your fat ankles. Calf, right into ankle. Cankles! [uproarious laughter from crowd]
Judge: That's it!
Citizens: Cankles! Cankles!
Judge: That is it! That is it! This meeting is adjourned.
Nealon : Cankle bitch!
[more outbursts from angry crowd]
Man in crowd: Cankle bitch!
Nealon : Cankle bitch!
Judge: How dare you?
Councilman: Rude and vulgar.
Nealon [to man] : You, too. Man cankles! Mankles!
Anyway, according to Gold's, cankles are the "fastest growing aesthetic affliction in the United States." The epidemic is reaching muffin top- and moobie-like proportions. Gold's Gym says they created SayNoToCankles.com to raise awareness for this mushrooming problem and offer resources for the afflicted. "Millions of people across the country are currently affected by Cankles and millions more are "at risk." In fact, it is estimated that if current trends continue, by the year 2012 Cankles will surpass Love Handles as the number one aesthetic affliction in the world."
OK, funny, hah ha and all. But Gold's then goes on to offer three areas of Cankle Help: Diet, Exercise and Style. Sure, wearing wide-leg pants and high heels with no ankle strap will conceal a cankle (and I do like Gold's tip of "at the gym, wear bright sneakers to draw attention away from the ankle. Sports socks that reach only to the rim of the sneaker will create longer leg lines.") but diet and exercise? Spot reducing your cankles is like not lashing out like a wild banshee when DirectTV keeps you on hold for 35 minutes, only to drop your call, on your worst PMS day: Simply not possible. Gold's tips of taking long, brisk walks for at least 30 minutes each day is terrific advice for everyone, regardless of whether your stems are tree trucks or little twigs. But as I can attest, all the exercise in the world isn't going to budge nature's ankle pudge.
This doctor says ankle liposuction can help out the cankle-afflicted. This woman claims a program called Turbulence Trainer can slim calf-ankles, although in my opinion, her ankles in the Before shot look mighty slim. I suppose you could get calf implants http://www.calfimplantsonline.com/calf_implants/images/case2_1.jpg to make your cankles seem smaller in comparison.
Or, you can get over it, like I'm trying to do. This past summer, for the first time ever, I voluntarily wore Capri workout pants. In public. Once. I have stopped pointing out to near-strangers that, "Really, my ankles are 11 inches around!" (typically done in an open-air bar, while consuming a martini and wearing a skirt and heels.) And I am asking for this for my 2010 Cankle Awareness Month gift.
Remember, if you or a loved one is suffering from cankles, don't be lured by flashy promises offering false hope. There are places you can go for help and support, where fellow sufferers will love and accept you just the way you are. You can live a productive, fulfilling life even if you do have cankles. All is not lost. Keep the faith. And avoid ankle boots at all costs.