There's a hot topic that often comes up with dating: jealousy. Sometimes it's a mere byproduct of a very passionate union, especially in the beginning. When my daughter was in grad school in Spain, I was fortunate to get to know some of her friends. One of her male buddies there said to me in a spirited debate about love, "Where there is passion, there is jealousy." I was taken by his thought-provoking statement and on some level, I think it can be true. On another, deeper level, the mix of dating and jealousy is not always what it seems.
"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on." -- Shakespeare
Sometimes jealousy is a signal the man you are dating is not maintaining appropriate boundaries for you with another woman and he has not made sure she is behaving properly in a work or personal scenario. Simply put, when some men feel insecure, they consciously or unconsciously create "competition" to get a jealous reaction. And while most of us have been on various sides of the subject of jealousy, it's not always a simple question. I've had coaching clients bring me "jealousy" scenarios that are actually their date being disrespectful or just not caring enough to establish healthy, respectful boundaries in their female friendships or work relationships.
If while you are out a man openly flirts with other women, stares at women, talks about sex or really intimate subjects with another woman, that's not him wanting to stir up jealousy, in my view. (I'll stop here, say this is subjective and acknowledge you may have a more open-minded view and/or agreement in your relationship.) I have no dog in the fight in your relationship, if that sort of behavior is part of your relational agreement. I do, however, have a strong opinion based on a lot of dating data and a significant amount of personal work around the topic.
I am a very feisty woman (Southern for "do no harm but take no crap"), so my perspective is pointed: "Do unto others." Make sure you are giving what you seek and that your agreement is bilateral. Don't let someone label you as "jealous," when the reality is he just might not see situations from the same vantage you do as a woman.
Most women instinctively know "women mating signals" (and most men know the same about men). My favorite Imago therapist, Tracy Boyer-Matthews, told me the wisest thing once that never left me: "Women know women stuff and men know men stuff and in a relationship, sometimes you have to defer to your partner's radar about these things."
In other words, as women, we see things men don't always see (a woman's body language moving in, her hair toss, leaning over and touching intimately, etc.) No, you're not always being "jealous," honey... sometimes you are seeing something inappropriate and it creates a primal reaction when you love someone.
To be clear, I firmly believe men and women can be friends (I have a ton of male friends). But it takes integrity and some applied "higher consciousness" to pull that off. What I mean is that it takes a real personal inventory of intention on both sides of the relationship. I adore Thich Nhat Hanh and his statement, "Love in such a way that the person you love feels free." That seems perfect to me.
I've been through scenarios in my life that provoked a reaction in me and later discovered there was fire behind the "jealousy" smoke.
Other times, jealousy is simply your old "stuff" arising, and with it you have a golden opportunity to resolve something lingering within yourself, so you can go forward with a new, self-valuing attitude.
For me, the best way to know the truth of what's arisen is to haul your fanny to a trusted counselor and dig into it. I really love EMDR as a resource, because it can reveal the deepest layers of why you react to things the way you do and clear them out for good. Sometimes its old news and sometimes your animal instinct or inner wisdom is talking to you. Whichever approach you take, just be sure to aim for crystal clarity about whether your feelings of jealousy are wacky or warranted.
My suggestion is be responsible for your well-being, don't put it on another to do that for you. We all have to define what appropriate relationship boundaries are for us, and yes, that is subjective and personal.
But "tame the green eyed monster"? Not necessarily, Intrepid One. Instead, listen to him, talk to him, be with him... he just might be telling you something way important.