Librarians! Here's a Little Snark to Brighten Your Day

Although some members of the public imagine that we librarians are paid to sit around on our tushies reading books all day, anyone who actually works at a library knows that it's a tough, challenging job. Library work can be stressful. But laughter is a great way to relieve stress, which is why I follow @LousyLibrarian on Twitter.

Every day, @LousyLibrarian posts a snaRky, insightful and often hilarious Tweet about library life. So who is @LousyLibrarian? When I reached out, I learned that he/she wishes to remain anonymous, disclosing no information about age, gender or location of library workplace. All I know is that @LousyLibrarian a sanity-saver if you're reeling from an encounter with a toxic patron or just feeling overwhelmed by your workload. Here are a few of my favorite Tweets:

The only things librarians love as much as cats are space heaters.

"Why are these shelves labeled 'Holiday Books?'"
"Because 'Substandard Obligatory Seasonal Cash-Grabs' would've worn out the label maker."

"My library card isn't working."
"I'm not an expert but I think that might be because it's a hotel room key card."

"I requested a book this morning. Is it there yet?"
"Depends. Did you click the 'Defy All Laws of Time and Space' box?"

Am promoting the new Grisham to hipsters as an artisanal melange of hand-crafted lawyer book clichés.

Patron: "Someone here was unpleasant to me five years ago."
Me: "Wow, that's impressive; you're like a grudge archivist."

Patron asked if he could change clothes in the restroom. Hoping he's Clark Kent.

Once I weeded a Patterson in Reno just to watch it die.

"We've got a problem with a patron."
"Which patron?"
"The weird guy with the weird pants."
"You're gonna have to be more specific."

This patron interaction has been brought to you by the letters T, M and I.

"This computer keeps saying my email password's wrong. Can I move to another one?"
"You might try going to a computer in another area code."

We have an informally designated napping area in the library. It's called the library.

It's nice to be around people who approach books with enthusiasm and curiosity. But today I have to go to our Library Book Club instead.

"Is it too late for me to register to vote?"
"Not if you're voting for Librarian With The Most Disappointing News."

It is apparently a rule that when you ask me how to print stuff out you must first detail the woes that have befallen your home printer.

"What do you do with magazines when you withdraw them?"
"We thank them for their sacrifice and shred them before an image of Helen Gurley Brown."

I enjoy our weekly chats about whether Lisa Gardner has a new book out yet. The same way Sisyphus enjoyed his little hikes.

The word 'Webinar" comes from the Greek for "You're not going to learn anything."

For my Halloween costume I should have dressed as a stolen Blu-ray; then I could just not be here despite what all the records say.

"I've read all of Nichols Spark's books. What would you recommend?"
"Ritual suicide?"

"Do you have any recommendations for someone who just doesn't like books?"
"How about this nice stapler?"

"I need to pay bills online and I've never touched anything electronic before. Can you help?"
"I'm sorry. I don't think I work here anymore."

I don't know who @LousyLibrarian is, but I'm a library humor writer myself, and when I finally get my library sitcom up and running, @LousyLibrarian is going to be the first person I hire for my Writers' Room. Until that happens, I'll continue to enjoy his (or her) posts on Twitter.

(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. This piece first appeared on Humor Outcasts.com.)