Listen Empathically with a Non-Judgmental Ear
We are so biased by our own beliefs, expectations, and hopes for our children that sometimes we are more close-minded than we think when we listen to them. We hear their words, but don’t absorb their meanings or intentions and make presumptions even though we can repeat what they said word for word. Kids know when you don’t really absorb what they are saying and tell you, “You aren’t listening. You don’t get it.”
We are befuddled because we did hear their words, didn’t even interrupt too often, and believe it’s important to hear our kids’ opinions. But getting into their own sense of reality, their own shoes, their own skin is a different kind of listening. It means recognizing that kids at different developmental stages think differently than adults. So what they say may come across in a way you think you understand but can still be missing the boat blinded by your own presumptions about what they say.
In fact, sometimes before they finish what they have to say, we’ve already decided our point of view. This means we may not have actually heard their vantage point and are making assumptions and not actually listening in a full sense.
Questions to Ask Yourself After Listening to Your Child
1. Do I have a bias I am not aware enough of, so that I am not really hearing my child’s point of view?
2. Do I tend to jump to conclusions before my child has his full say?
3. Am I thinking of my response before the child has even finished?
4. Am I interrupting with questions that reveal what I’m thinking but redirect the child from what he intended to say?
5. Do I hear what I want to hear and am in advertently close-minded to what disturbs me?
6. Do I think in terms of solutions, before I actually know the child’s real underlying problem or worry?
7. Am I rushed as I’m listening actually thinking of several other things I have to get done so that I miss important clues to what is on my child’s mind?
8. Does my child have more than one point of view that he is conflicted about? Do I miss out on these variations he is trying to get across?
9. Is my goal to listen without any real plans for giving my advice, that is, hearing his or her way of going about clarifying his problem by
being more of a sounding board?
In other words, it’s listening of a different stripe to actually be nonjudgmental of what is being said. It takes real concentration and open-mindedness to hear one’s child. It means being flexible with your own thinking and being willing to shift from your point of view to hear another’s sense of reality.
An Example
Your teen daughter shares with you she’s worried about a party coming up. She has doubts about what she’s going to wear, when to arrive, who to go with, and can’t get it off her mind. Do you get hooked on what she’s going to wear, the first thing she mentioned, thinking it shouldn’t be too seductive or sexy given the crowd she’s been hanging around with? Is this what you’ve been discussing with your husband seeing how the kids dress these days?
Did you miss her saying she can’t get it off her mind? What’s really on her mind? Are the clothes just a minor hitch, the time of arrival learning about social graces, and who to go with is a curve to something else that got thrown in the mix? How do you know what’s really bothering her if you don’t ask her to tell you more.
Maybe, just maybe there’s a bigger underlying worry: a feeling of self-doubt, low self-esteem. She doesn’t know how to tell you that she’s feeling a lack of confidence in general, so she lists off other stuff as a segue to the deeper issue.
Only by listening very closely for as long as needed are you going to get to what’s genuinely on her mind. That’s being empathic and getting under her skin.
It’s a tough job this listening stuff. But it builds your parent-child bond and is worth every moment of your time.
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., is a psychoanalyst and author of Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior found on Amazon and wherever books are found. Visit her website for more guidance: http://lauriehollmanphd.com.
