Question:
Hi there,
I am so happy to have found your blog! I have a problem that has been ongoing for my entire life, pretty much. I have no friends. Well, let me restate that: I have no friends who keep in touch without me doing all the effort, and even then it is spotty! I am 35 years old.
A little history, in case it is applicable to my current problem: in middle school, I had a very close best friend, but she dumped me, which was really tough. Then, in high school and into college, I had some best friends that I ended up dumping abruptly over the littlest thing, which I have since realized was due to trust issues that I have worked through now. So why can't I keep friends?
I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don't call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get-together, we have fun... but then nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don't get it -- what is wrong with me?
Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great -- we have fun when we are together -- but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me.
The fact that this is a pattern in all my female friendships troubles me and makes me think that I am doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I am a caring person and go out of my way to ask people about their lives when I am having conversations. My therapist has said that there is nothing wrong with having to be the one to always initiate a get-together, but then I see others who have a group of close friends who get together and really support each other, and I wonder, why not me?
I am an only child and sometimes just feel very alone. Other times I feel okay with having no friends. But all in all, I wish it were different. Do you have any advice for me?
Signed,
Amanda
Answer:
Hi Amanda,
Ouch! It sounds like you feel like you're a pariah. It's impossible to guess why your friendships don't "stick" and there's no uptake by others, but the problem seems to be a pattern rather than a one-time occurrence -- and something you want to change.
Can you self-identify your specific problem(s)? Here are some possible reasons that someone might have difficulty developing close, reciprocal relationships with friends. I'm sure other readers will add to the list.
- Temperament: Are you shy and uncomfortable around people? This can make people around you feel uncomfortable, too.
Talking to an objective third party is a good way to gain insight into something you can't figure out about yourself. It doesn't necessarily have to be a therapist; it could be your spouse, a sibling or someone else you trust.
Because you are already in therapy, perhaps this list will provide a useful starting point to explore various possibilities with your therapist. I agree that something is amiss given the scenario you have described and your desire for more reciprocal friendships.
I hope this is helpful.
Warm regards,
Irene
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Prior posts on The Friendship Blog that touch upon having no friends:
"Can Angelina possibly be a lonely girl?"
"Why do some women have such a hard time making friends: Nature or nurture?"
"Making new friends and keeping them too"