Just because marriage is one of the most important decisions a person can make, doesn’t mean it needs to be taken so, so seriously all the time.
Allow the 23 tweets below to serve as a reminder that married life is very much a laughing matter.
My wife found a spider in the shower.— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) September 20, 2016
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.
My husband just went on a late night Taco Bell run because we are not in college anymore, but we like to maintain the lifestyle.— Winosaurus Mom 🍷 (@winosaurusmom) September 30, 2017
I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
If you think you might enjoy getting yelled at from another room for chewing too loud, maybe give marriage a try.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2017
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.— Dan (@Social_Mime) September 18, 2017
*"Eye of the Tiger" plays as I get ready to tell my wife I don't want to go to brunch*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 29, 2017
My husband's favorite thing about me is probably how I circle his fast food for possible leftovers like a hyena.— ☠Mommy Cusses☠ (@mommy_cusses) September 15, 2017
*walking into store*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
[after sex]— rob HELLiott (@rockymomax) September 20, 2017
WIFE: whatcha thinkin about?
ME: (very seriously) a dog playing a saxophone
If you've never rage-folded a load of laundry then you either don't have kids or don't have a husband.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 1, 2016
If your marriage can survive building an IKEA dresser together, it can survive anything.— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) September 29, 2017
“Calm down,” I say to my wife, five seconds before my brain has a chance to talk me out of it.— Meh, Interrupted (@TheAlexNevil) September 28, 2017
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
Me: *yells something— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 2, 2017
Wife: I can't hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My wife asked me to get up early tomorrow to pick something up from the grocery store.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 17, 2017
Wife (the next morning): You actually did that?
A haiku for my husband...— Morgan💕 (@MAB1013) June 13, 2017
Your whiskers are black
The porcelain sink is white
Are you fucking blind?
[clothes shopping]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 1, 2017
Wife: What do you think about this outfit?
Me: Those are clothes.
Wife: *death glare*
Me: Those are... not clothes?
Understanding marriage is simply understanding that your wife's feet will always be cold— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) September 28, 2017
[At Home Depot]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 19, 2017
Wife: Why don't you just ask someone where to find it?
Me: I'd rather die.
Conversations with my husband..— TwistedDoodles (@twisteddoodles) September 20, 2017
'Why is it so hard to stay fit as a parent?' followed by 'If the kids ever go to sleep can we order pizza?'
My husband has denim sweatpants.— Coffee lovin' mom (@Coffee_lovinmom) August 26, 2017
I said for better or for worse, but I didn't anticipate this.
Asked my husband to bring me a cookie. He brought me the whole box. We're soul mates.— Winosaurus Mom 🍷 (@winosaurusmom) September 29, 2017
Being married with kids is just this:— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 11, 2017
Him: Let's watch a movie.
Me: Ok! *falls asleep*