In 2014, I wrote an article called I'm a Gay Man Who Married a Straight Woman. Nearly two years later, I'm still contacted by men, and occasionally women, who find themselves in similar situations. Some start their letters by saying things like, "I've never told anyone this before" or "You will probably never hear from me again, but..." and then go on to tell heart-wrenching stories of loveless, sexless marriages. Some were coerced into the marriages; others thought marrying the opposite sex would "cure" them. Many times there are kids involved, or even grandkids. Many married for religious reasons. Some are pastors. Some are high profile business leaders. Most are your average, suburban dads trying to do the right thing. All of them are wondering, "What do I do now?"
There is never an easy answer to any of the stories. The reality is there will be many, many broken hearts, which not only involve spouses, but now children, grandchildren, extended families, and sometimes entire churches or communities. Spouses often feel deceived, wondering what else they didn't know about their husbands or wives. They feel foolish for not seeing it sooner.
Religious ideals taught most of these people to lie; told them they couldn't be honest, they were broken, and needed to be fixed. So these men and women kept the mental conflict at bay, as long as they could. Eventually, the need to be real comes boiling to the surface. It's a human need. We have to know we are lovable and accepted as we are. At some point, we get tired of hiding behind walls and around corners. We need an answer to the question, "If you knew everything about me, would you still love me?"
My ex-wife and I would have celebrated our 21st anniversary this month. Instead, we've been divorced for 14 years and remain friends. As I wrote in my book, Going Gay, it took six years after she left before I could even start to come to terms with my sexual orientation. My faith told me it was wrong and I believed it. I grew emotionally and mentally ill trying to make my faith work in spite of all the signs to the contrary. I know my experience is not unique. It wasn't 14 years ago, and it's not today.
Fortunately, conversion therapy, the practice of trying to make someone who is gay straight, continues to be pushed to the fringes of extremist theology. But it still exists. Sometimes it's a counselor who tells the person he or she is gay because of a bad childhood, other times it's a pastor who tells them it's a demon. It's not always called conversion or reparative therapy, but the end message, "there is something wrong with you." is the same. Most eventually crack, trying to keep it together. When they can't, they are often discarded by their churches as apostates, backsliders and evil-doers. Often, entire families get disenfranchised by their religious communities when one spouse comes out. It's a story I've heard time and time again.
No one knows how many people find themselves in these situations because churches don't talk about it. The media doesn't cover it. Like having an alcoholic family member, it becomes the elephant in the room we'd prefer not to discuss. It's uncomfortable and doesn't align with our "family values."
Here's the reality. It exists. People are hurting and need community, love, understanding and support. Not just the spouse who decides to get honest about his or her sexual orientation, but also the spouse whose world was just turned upside down. Yep, it's messy. It's a lot to sort out. It's going to take time and it's going to take people to answer the question, "Am I loveable?" with a resounding "Yes!"
If you're interested in participating in a private Facebook support group with others in similar situations, contact Tim at TimRymel.com. Or for further support, go to TimRymel.com/Resources.
Photo - Flickr/David Goehring