Joe the Plumber to Sell Book to His Fans; Trojan to Market Defective Condom to Men Without Penises
Okay, so Joe the Plumber is writing a book. And while it's as expected as it is repellent (we wonder if Joe and Sarah Palin couldn't simply descend on John McCain like dingoes and feast twice daily for a fortnight on his corpse's sinews and marrow, thereby saving the losing campaign and the venerable party of Lincoln further embarrassment), there's yet more hilarity to this story.
Yes, the real kicker is that the book will be out in less than two weeks! And apparently the cover was designed by someone who only has access to Microsoft Paint.
But the holy Transfiguration of JTP doesn't end there. According to the publisher's Web site, you can buy a "Freedom Membership" for $14.95/year, which includes:
1) Total access to "Joe The Forum" where you may chat directly with Joe
Really? Total access? We were worried that for such a low fee we'd only get limited access to Joe The Forum. And you get to chat online with a real live plumber from Ohio? Hell, if you want to talk to Brandee the Nurse online, it's like $5 a minute, so this is starting to look like a pretty good deal.
2) Subscription to the "Joe The Blog" monthly newsletter
This will be truly fascinating. Not since Fox News' short-lived The ½ Hour News Hour have we so anxiously awaited such a train wreck. Joe's blog will most likely be the literary equivalent of what a drunk Michael Medved might write in the snow with his urine stream following an Oliver Stone film festival.
3) Free Shipping on all "Joe The Plumber" merchandise
Well, considering the egregious mark-ups and added charges to your typical tacky crap based on crudely outlined conservative figureheads whose lives and economic circumstances actually neatly demonstrate the triumph and steadfast populist common sense of traditional liberal progressive ideals--well, heck, that's a steal. Now, we have no idea what this merchandise is, but if it's as good as the stuff at The Factor Store, we are psyched. We expect Joe The Plumber autographed toilet plungers and T-shirts showing ol' Joe flushing the Koran. However, if there are any references to "laying pipe" we'll unleash a virus. It's not a threat, it's a promise.
4) Free Signed Copy of Joe's forthcoming book Joe The Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream (Paperback slated for release December 1, 2008)
Yes, you too can receive a free copy of a book written over the course of two whole weeks. Now, the writing will have the straightforward simplicity of an everyman, so don't expect any of that fancy elitist Ivy League Reader's Digest prose.
5) Become an integral part of an American movement to restore our government to the people
Throw in a cyanide capsule, and we're in.
Michelle Malkin Doesn't Know How to Use Google
One of the world's enduring mysteries--right up there with the ineffable nature of God and the elusive unified field theory--is, "Why does Michelle Malkin have a syndicated newspaper column?"
She has, somehow, succeeded in the marketplace like New Coke and the McRib sandwich never could. Our best guess is that she allows time-strapped male conservatives to both get their fill of poorly thought out xenophobic reactionary politics and to masturbate at the same time.
Then again, maybe it's her matchless wit. For instance, in her November 14 column (remember, it is very widely syndicated to many, many horny owners of Franklin Mint Ronald Reagan limited-edition commemorative presidential medallions), she wrote this:
Hey, who died and put Emily 'Never mind' Litella in charge of the economy?
Michelle, just because your audience is composed almost entirely of men over 55 who need help with both their erections and their 30-year-old SNL references doesn't give you the right to butcher your already ill-conceived jokes. You wouldn't say, "Hey, who died and put the Church 'Oh ... oh, I don't know ... I don't know, who it could be? Maybe. Could it be ... Satan?' Lady in charge of the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives?"
So Michelle Malkin has a demonstrated inability to make a droll pop culture reference. How is she with wildly popular online search engines? Apparently, she's channeling Andy Griffith's shuffleboard sensei on that one as well.
In her October 22 column, in an effort to show how the Obama campaign was unfairly branding John McCain as a wild-eyed old man with poor impulse control, she wrote:
Team Obama is hammering John McCain as 'erratic' in the closing days of the election campaign. There are now 615,000 Google hits and counting using the search terms 'erratic McCain.'
Wow, 615,000 Google hits on "erratic McCain"? The Obamamaniacs are waaaay out of control--one might even say "erratic." That's just crazy. So crazy, it might not even be true...
Yeah, it's not. In fact, "erratic McCain" yields about 8,840 hits. As of this writing, Googling both "erratic" and "McCain" yields about 676,000.
Just for context, Googling both "Malkin" and "blowjob" yields more than 52,000 hits, whereas "Malkin blowjob" yields just 50.
So why, you may ask, are we dredging up a pre-election column from mid-October? Fair question. While doing research for this piece, we Googled "Michelle Malkin" and "revolting Republican blow-up doll."
We got roughly 12.5 million hits.
Greta Goes to Russia ... Almost
Greta Van Susteren was milking her big Palin interview all week. Showing it over multiple nights, we heard a lot about God and open doorways for Mrs. Palin, but two things still haunt us:
First, if anyone refers to Todd Palin as the "First Dude" ever again, there is going to be a semiautomatic weapon and a clock tower in our future. There is nothing cool about Todd Palin that you couldn't find at any pork-rind-and-Bud-hat-festooned dive bar in Wisconsin or Michigan's Upper Peninsula. If you want a guy who still wears a goatee, rides an Artic Cat, and could pass for Patrick Duffy's third cousin, then come on over to Green Bay, ladies. It'll be your Eden.
Second, in the Palins' kitchen, Sarah told Greta that she was making moose stew for dinner. Okay, enough. Cooking tough, gamey meats that most people stopped eating shortly after the termite-gathering stick completed final beta testing doesn't make you more folksy, it just means you have an unrefined palate. Not since Granny held court on The Beverly Hillbillies has such patently revolting fare been so universally celebrated. If Sarah Palin wants to cook up possum renderings for an end-of-days church potluck, fine. But those of us born after the advent of agriculture can stop pretending that it's charming.