Now is the Perfect Time For the North and South to Divide

11/14/2017 11:59 am ET Updated Nov 14, 2017

Let’s face it. These are trying times. The Assault on Reason, as Al Gore calls it, is a war in full bloom on all fronts. One that, sadly, seems to only get worse as the days go by. The more proof that emerges revealing the overwhelming majority of our country’s most powerful leaders are nothing but a bunch of corrupt criminals and traitors, the more their supporters will deny it.

On one side, we have a population that relies on facts, truth, fair play, and common sense. On the other, well, who the hell knows what they rely on? Fox news, fake news, hackers, conspiracy theories, coal mines, fraud, misdirection, racism, stupidity, ignorance, warm beer, Jesus (a Jesus who hates anyone and anything that isn’t Christian), Trump, Hillary-bashing-as-a-sport, and guns. And more guns.

The fight to preserve common sense and rational thought is on. Those who believe in the basic principles this country was founded on vs. those who seek to destroy them and rewrite them as they see fit. All at the expense of those different from them. Be it in the media, on social media, in the classroom, at the grocery store, the office, the neighborhood bar, at the dinner table, pretty much everywhere you look the hatred and vitriol spewing forth, from both sides, has reached epidemic proportion.

Even though those of us who believe in equality, and the ridiculous concept of Live and Let Live, know we are right, trying to convince those who choose ignorance over truth, and hate over love, is exhausting. It does nothing but further twist the knife into our own stomachs, as well as theirs.

This non-stop Sisyphean discourse that’s tearing us apart on an hourly basis has transformed us from the most admired/respected nation in the world to nothing more than a bunch of whiny, groveling, spiteful little babies. The endless infighting among us succeeds only in causing our enemies to foam at the mouth with glee, while further convincing those on both sides we are right in our beliefs. So, where do we go from here? Neither one seems to wish to budge an inch. Compromise is a pipe dream.

If we continue to devolve and descend down this fruitless path of self destruction, snapping at and dismissing each other at every single turn, every single minute of the day, is it that far-fetched to think we may find ourselves thrown into a Civil War 2.0 somewhere in the not to distant future? Everywhere you look, our country is being overrun with pedophiles, fake news peddlers, fear mongers, bigots, racists, homophobes, morons, etc., and that’s just Alabama. We are in serious trouble.

However, all may not be lost. If we stop and think about it for a minute, there may be a solution that works well for both sides and could possibly put an end to the pressure-cooker type of environment we now seem to revel in and depend on for our identity.

For those of us in the liberal-leaning northern states, the ones where “I now pronounce you husband and husband,” aren’t words that would cause a riot in the streets, instead of carrying on like the jilted lover trying to hold onto the one who’ll never want us, why not just let them go? Let them have their child-molesting congressmen, their confederate monuments, their ten commandments, their merger of church and state, their automatic weapons, their climate change denial, their Muslim bans, their lies-as-truth, their eggs and grits, their state-run health care, their stock car races, their backwards logic, their medieval laws, their corporate tax cuts, their abortion bills, their humidity, etc., etc. Let. Them. Go.

A two-nation, two-government system. Complete with two different Presidents and two different Constitutions. Is it such a bad idea? We are already the Divided States of America, and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of reversing course, so rather than plow helplessly into the iceberg and force one side to assimilate to the other - which would do nothing but assure us of years more of the same, or worse -, why not accept it, yank the wheel hard to the right, and make the unavoidable separation as palatable as possible?

Wouldn’t that be better, for all involved, as opposed to this useless, exhausting, debilitating, demoralizing, soul-crushing back and forth? Not to mention, who knows when all this hate and apathy will overflow into the streets? Some of it already has. We are the societal version of the Deepwater Horizon, moments before all hell broke loose and we need to do something about it before it’s too late.

For those currently in the South who may find themselves on the wrong end of the laws in this newly divided two-nation system, you will have 180 days to relocate. Sure, it may be a little colder moving from Arkansas to New Jersey, but what’s more important, your comfort or your freedoms? Buy a jacket and hit the road.

As far as jobs go, don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of clean energy, solar-based companies to teach you how to turn sunlight into gold. And your lungs will thank you.

To accommodate for the overflow of people flooding in from points South, perhaps a point of compromise prior to division would be the expanding of the North? Say, maybe we’ll swallow up everything down to Virginia. Including Virginia. It’s democratic now, anyway. Of course, we wouldn’t make the old folks down in South Beach leave, they’re pretty much stuck. So perhaps Miami would be considered part of the North.

Think about it. No more President Trump. No more Vice President Putz. No more asinine tweets about Little Rocket Man or inaugural crowds. No more Russia. No more Jared and Ivanka. No more neo-nazis. No more Republicans. Amazing, Right?

Conversely, for those of you who think the aforementioned scenario is a nightmare: No more Hillary. No more whiny liberals. No more gays or Jews or blacks. No more Mexicans (Yes! You can build your wall!) No more Keurig coffee makers. You are free to kill each other at will, kick anyone out who you want to, and use whatever home-brewing model you like. Paradise, right?

If we both just take a step back, agree to disagree, recognize it’s never going to get any better, and divide the nation up accordingly, I think, years from now, we’ll look back at this moment in time as a blessing rather than a curse. Wouldn’t you agree, President Obama?

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