It's never a good sign when your psychiatrist/analyst says it's time for a psychopharmacological consult. This wasn't news to me, and it had been brought up before, but now I really need it. We have tried several different cocktails, and while some symptoms have decreased, some have not. So, I have to call this doctor who my doctor highly recommends and see him for a consultation in order to figure out my meds.
This scares me.
I don't like having to meet new people in the psych world and tell my story yet again. I am scared he will judge me (no basis for this, just where my mind is at right now). All I know is, I want this depression gone. Goodbye. Won't be sad to see you go. I have been fighting this, essentially, since January, but it probably started slowly in the months leading up.
I have the therapy piece down, no problem. My psychiatrist and I work very well together and she knows me, really knows me. It's this pesky medication piece that is the problem. You see, I am tired... tired of needing to shut my office door so I can cry for 15 minutes. I am tired of going to my car to sit and cry for 10 minutes. I am tired of feeling such pain... words cannot describe the depth of the pain, and this pain is not physical in any way. I am tired of allowing any slight or mistake someone makes in relation to me become a big deal where I then feel hurt and neglected.
This illness is tiring on its own, but add a family to think about, worry about and the level of patience in having this illness goes out the door. I constantly worry about my daughter... my beautiful, sparkly girl, who is my heart and soul. To what extent is my depression impressing upon her? Luckily, I am able to put on a brave face and love her with my very being: through words, hugs, kisses, talks and more love.
So far, the only positive that has occurred in these past months is my strengthened relationship and bond with my husband. I never would have guessed that working through this depression would have such an amazing benefit. We have an amazing relationship and we are in sync in every possible way. I have never felt such love from another human being and my love for him is just growing and growing (I did not even know that was possible... I loved him already!).
I will have my consult in Boston and hope for a good plan, a plan that will finally give me some relief. I don't talk in detail to my friends or family about my struggles, but I will tell you this: Depression is a horrible illness where your inner core is twisted and twisted again. Your heart hurts, your brain hurts and your soul hurts.
I think I am ready for this next step. Onward to the consultation.
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Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.