COMEDY

The Oregon 'Militia' Needs Food, So I Mailed Them Pictures Of It

A picture is worth a thousand words. It tastes like paper, though.

Members of the armed group occupying a federal building on an Oregon wildlife refuge posted a plea on Facebook for care packages containing "snacks." It's an important reminder that if you want to overthrow the government, always start in a city that has GrubHub.

And remember, these folks are choosing to hold slumber parties at this remote location miles away from the nearest Papa John's. They are willingly putting themselves in a problematic situation to gain attention from the media, and aren't actually in need of charitable food donations like many Americans who find themselves below the poverty level.

That's why I've decided to do everything in my power not to help. I hope you can find it in your hearts to do the same.

  • Step 1: Find or take some photos of delicious food
    Make sure you're capturing everything in high-definition to optimize the visceral reaction.
    Verkamier via Getty Images
    Make sure you're capturing everything in high-definition to optimize the visceral reaction.
  • Step 2: Go to FedEx
    You know, the company from "Castaway."
    Roberto Machado Noa via Getty Images
    You know, the company from "Castaway."
  • Step 3: Print out color photos on glossy paper
    Don't be a cheapskate by printing in black and white (unless, of course, it's a photo of Oreos).
    HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
    Don't be a cheapskate by printing in black and white (unless, of course, it's a photo of Oreos).
  • Step 4: Put the photos into a manila envelope
    Yummm ... rhymes with vanilla.
    HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
    Yummm ... rhymes with vanilla.
  • Step 5: Address manila envelope to Jon Ritzheimer
    This is the address provided in the Facebook post mentioned above. Apparently in Burns, OR, the mailman knows where to find e
    HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
    This is the address provided in the Facebook post mentioned above. Apparently in Burns, OR, the mailman knows where to find everyone by name.
  • Step 6: Throw in some spoilers from "The Bachelor"
    Only if you want to get them REALLY pissed off.
    HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
    Only if you want to get them REALLY pissed off.
  • Step 7: Mail it
    It's like sending an email but with actual energy exertion.
    HuffPost Comedy/Aaron Nemo
    It's like sending an email but with actual energy exertion.
  • Step 8: Donate to a food bank
    There are hungry people out there who <i>aren't</i>&nbsp;just being dicks.
    Steve Debenport
    There are hungry people out there who aren't just being dicks.

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