As the troubling but increasingly mainstream idea that corporations are people has become part of the national zeitgeist, one of the world's leading entertainment news publications has embraced the concept wholeheartedly and changed its long-standing brand name of People magazine to Corporations magazine.
"This move not only acknowledges the fact that corporations are people, but also the idea that they are much more interesting subjects for gossipy human-interest profiles," said a spokesperson for the former People:
"Except in rare cases, most TV and movie celebrities have a shelf-life of a few years, usually only months, making their peccadilloes a passing, disposable fancy. Many corporations, on the other hand, have been around for over a hundred years, and are always pulling some seriously whacked and corrupt (expletive) that often has serious repercussions for the average person; anything from financial ruin to toxic pollution to back room deals in which anyone who opposes their dominance is handily eliminated. Compared to that, Ryan Gosling's workout regimen is pretty lightweight."
Now that corporations are people, the magazine pictured above will no longer exist.
The new Corporations magazine will pick right up where People left off and put a light, buzz-heavy spin on news related to the companies that have become such a fun part of our daily lives, and whom we welcome into our homes each day like family.
And rest assured, says the new creative team: each year, their staff will still choose which multinational will earn the title of "Sexiest Corporation Alive!"
Here are just a few of the headline stories that will emblazon their way into the premiere issue of Corporations:
AT&T's Private Anguish: T-Mobile's Wild Parties With Strippers Only Days Before the Companies Were to Be Wed
Our Readers Weigh In! Chevron, Exxon Mobil or ConocoPhillips: Which One Is the Hottest Exploiter of a Finite Resource?
Procter & Gamble's 174-year Bromance: It's a Chemical Attraction
Berkshire Hathaway: How The Multi-faceted Conglomerate Juggles Insurance, Manufacturing, Utilities...and Parenthood!
Gentle, Unassuming Bank of America Asks Protestors: What Did We Ever Do to You?
Editors at the now former Tinseltown publication are eager to embrace their new roles as chroniclers of the truly important "people" and anxious to move on from the inconsequential world of screen celebrity. They did add, however, that if there were any way they could get a corporation to compete on Dancing With the Stars, they would certainly not be opposed to it.
James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be found here.