What do you do when you are having one of those days? A day where your emotions are getting away from you and all you want to do is cry? I work outside of the home so here I sit at my desk trying to keep it together and get through the work day. However, I know that when I leave here I still won’t get a moment to myself to give into these feelings putting me on edge. I am perimenopausal and I have a toddler!
As soon as I walk in the house I will once again have to keep my emotions in check. Actually even before then, as the Pea watches me walk from the car to the door every day. Most days this brings me such joy. I start waving as I see her jumping up and down mouthing Mommy. Today it will be harder, but I will still plaster a smile of my face for that baby and hold it in. I can’t get my cry in until after the Pea has been put down to sleep and probably won’t even be able to get it in then either. I’ll be too tired and fall into bed and be asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
A woman must wait for her ovaries to die before she can get her rightful personality back. Post-menstrual is the same as pre-menstrual; I am once again what I was before the age of twelve: a female human being who knows that a month has thirty day, not twenty-five, and who can spend every one of them free of the shackles of that defect of body and mind known as femininity.― Florence King
I know I am just having a bad day, that my hormones are raging. That nothing is as bad as it seems at this very moment. This too shall pass! But right now, my world is ending and I feel so alone. My focus is off and it’s so freaking hot! I started my period AGAIN yesterday. At 45, I’m nearing menopause. My periods are coming every three weeks, making me crazy for at least one day. My gynecologist said it is normal for women in their 40s to start having their period every three weeks. So I got that going for me, fitting in the status quo. I’m an emotional, hot flashing mess. I’m lucky that it only last for a day or two, this meltdown. And this isn’t even the real thing. Dear Lord!
My confidence is weak during these episodes as well. I am questioning why I started this blog. My stories aren’t good enough…I’m not good enough. I am a horrible parent. But again, I know this feeling will pass. Perhaps even tomorrow I will feel back to normal. Normal?
I just had my yearly visit to the gynecologist and I didn’t think to talk to her about the crazy mood swings because I wasn’t feeling it at that time. My best friend suggested birth control to get it under control, but I have not taken birth control since I was 26. I do not believe in taking hormones. It just can’t be good for you! Women throughout time have just dealt with this without hormones…how did they do it? Natural remedies? Maybe I should take up marijuana.
“I’m what is known as perimenopausal. “Peri”, some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning ‘SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN’ PIE HOLE”.”
― Celia Rivenbark, You Don’t Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool
There is NO escape! I have no outlet…other than some wine. I work all day and then come home just in time for her daddy leaving for work. Then it is my shift with the Pea. My relationship with her daddy is not what it should be. After all, we knowingly entered into parenthood having only known each other a year. Knowingly, we made this decision to bring another life into this world without fully knowing each other. My biological clock was running out and there wasn’t enough time to have both a child and a healthy strong relationship. Our focus has been solely on the Pea and not us as a couple. Backwards, I know.
So tonight when the Pea gets in that mood and tests me, I might lose it and behave like a toddler myself. I might not display winning parental behavior. I will want to stomp my feet, cry and bang my head on the wall.
The Pea threw a cup at my head and it hurt. I could hold it in no longer. I started crying…more from the pain in my heart than the pain in my head. While part of me doesn’t want her to see me cry, it is reality. People have emotions. We feel despair, hurt, joy, longing, disappointment, elation, regret, etc. We feel it all, all of us. The Pea should understand this and hopefully if I raise her right, she will feel empathy for others.
Here’s to tomorrow being a better day and hoping that I don’t go in the poor house from the air conditioner bills!
A version of this post was originally posted on Momma and the Pea.