Just when it seems like everyone will finally get along on a women’s empowerment retreat, Margaret is forced to “role play” with Siggy....She impersonates her, temporarily forgetting that Joan Rivers got away with a lot more than the average funny gal ever did. This will not bode well for new beginnings between Siggy and Marge. However, let’s rewind.
WALLPAPER WOES
We begin tonight’s episode (titled A Retreat to Remember) with Margaret and Joe The Contractor quibbling over wallpaper for their living room. Margaret probably would like the look to be Lilly Pullitzer on crack (in line with her business, The Macbeth Collection) while Joe prefers to keep it conservative. They talk about Marge’s recent meetup with Dolores and how Marge got soggy, breaking down in tears while discussing the estrangement from her step kids. She’s candid on camera in her testimonial: The kids don’t speak to her because she cheated on their dad Jan with her hubby Joe. She owns it and I appreciate that. This is not a woman who is coming to reality TV with skeletons in her closet that are about to suddenly get sprung.
Marge tells Joe that his kids are great with her, but it’s tough not knowing about the lives of the kids she helped raise (her ex Jan’s kids). Joe comforts her through her tears and tells her he understands.
“MAYBE THERE’S WAX IN MY EARS?”
In the next scene, Dolores meets up with her good friend of over 2 decades Teresa Giudice. Things have been strained between the two of them because Danielle is now on the scene. Danielle is either a shit-stirrer or a truth teller. Dolores suggests that Danielle is “on something” and by something she means drugs. Whether Teresa believes what she’s saying or is just assuaging Dolores, Tre says she’s more inclined to trust Dolores over Danielle because she has known the former for way longer.
Teresa seems to have selective amnesia when it comes to Danielle and her suspicious ways. In case the viewing public has forgotten what that means, Bravo supplies us with a montage of Danielle scenes from seasons past.
Then Dolores gets shady. She brings up the fact that Teresa discussed her personal life and that she’s roomies with ex husband Frank. Teresa doesn’t deny talking smack about Dolores at the Gorga restaurant tasting, but responds by saying that yes, it is freaking weird that Dolores has welcomed her cheating ex into her home when she has a new boyfriend (named David).
I never commented on your lying scumbag of a cheating husband and the fact that YOU stayed with him, Teresa. Although those aren’t Dolores’s exact words, it is essentially how she responds to Teresa.
Maybe I’m not hearing yooooz. Maybe there’s wax in my ears. Are you saying Joe cheated on me? Teresa asks Dolores.
I’ve never seen Joe cheat on you, Dolores replies diplomatically after a long pause and a commercial break. Tre tells Dolores she can handle her own husband (In other words “mind your own beezwax, Dolores”). The two conclude that here they are in Rails Steakhouse - the famous place where Siggy tried to play peacemaker (rather than hysteric) last season - a venue comedian Amy Phillips is dying to visit, and yet, they haven’t even touched their goddamn food!
RETREAT RUMINATIONS
We go to Tenafly where Siggy is gorging on an ice cream Sunday in her kitchen in a manner uncharacteristic of any Bravolebrity perpetually watching her/his waistline. It looks freakin’ delicious. Dolores enters and Siggy say she’s in a funk, her pants aren’t quite fitting and she’s stressed trying to figure out how to juggle her career with being a mom and wife to MICHAEL CAMPANELLA!
Siggy tells Dolores she’s going to try out an overnight retreat using her friends - er her Bravo “friends” - as guinea pigs. I can’t quite figure out the goal of this retreat, so bear with me as I grapple to explain it: Siggy is a relationship expert and her friend Vikki is a relationship demise expert who facilitates divorces and advises splitting couples about the division of assets. (She even had a Bravo show all about it. Blink and you missed it.) I think the goal of this retreat is to help women improve their relationships/outlooks on relationships/self-worth. They get to meet Siggy’s plastic surgeon. They get to take a professional photo because so many dating profile pics are shitty. They get to buy t-shirts with slogans like “Know your worth.” There’s even a t-shirt about Siggy’s sogginess inspired by Marge...That comes soon enough.
Siggy calls Margaret and invites her to join the ladies. The goal will be to get everybody on the same page and because Siggy’s giving Margaret another chance, it’s only fair Dolores puts aside the awful feelings she has for Danielle. This is tough because - as Dolores’s ex hubby/roomate Frank notes -Dolores holds grudges. However, she knows that if Siggy is listening to her about inviting Marge, she’s got to extend some courtesy to Danielle. For now, that will be reflected in Dolores’s willingness to break bread with Danielle at Siggy’s retreat.
MARGE IS THE MENTOR, MELISSA IS THE PROTEGE
Speaking of breaking bread, Margaret and Melissa meet up at yet another NJ restaurant I’ve never visited (This is number 99999565 and counting. Each week, I’m introduced to yet another eatery in my home state.) This one is called Sofia. The two business women discuss how Marge would love to help Melissa out. Marge has The Macbeth Collection and Melissa has her boutique Envy. This is the bond to launch all bonds between these two and to make Melissa Marge’s frequent #WCW on Instagram. Marge is the mentor, Melissa is the protege.
“Because if you blow out someone else’s candle, it doesn’t mean your’re going to shine any brighter,” Marge explains.
Would you believe Siggy invited me to the retreat? they ask one another. They talk about how this grown woman stuck her tongue out at Marge and humiliated Melissa...
Despite all the juvenile antics, they will attend the women’s retreat. How do we go to a women’s retreat of a woman that belittled us? asks Melissa. Carefully is my answer to both of them through the TV screen.
WALK BEHIND SIGGY WHEN YOU ARE HIKING
We then see a mishmosh of Siggy-Marge-Dolores mini-scenes. MICHAEL CAMPANELLA! is doing his service this year of mugging for the camera. A Housewife’s husband’s reluctance is so last year! Everyone is gearing up for the retreat. Marge’s employee Lexi advises her in the Manchester-Jersey accent we’ve come to know: Walk behind Siggy when you are hiking. Joe Gorga tells Melissa not to come home unless she sets Siggy straight for publicly embarrassing her. He wants a strong wife. Dolores talks about having to deal with sneaky Danielle and Frank talks about being an alpha male. Dolores points out that it’s hard to take him seriously as he says this with a mop in his hands. This show certainly does not pander to stereotypes....
STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT NICKNAMES ARE SCARRING
I’m told my recaps are way too long, so we’re going to cut to the retreat. Siggy is talking about “knowing your worth,” standing up to the bullies and admitting we all have flaws. In the process, she alludes to Marge and all the ladies nudge each other Marge, she’s talking about yoooz. And then Siggy makes it clear: Margaret, we got off to a bad start. You called me Soggy and I was teased as a kid because my name is Sigalit Flicker. People called me Siggy the Sea Monster, Cigarette, Miss Piggy....In the present day, I just want to be called Sagacious Siggy because I’m smarter than all of you. I made that crystal clear when you THREW THE CAKE! and I insulted your IQs.
GET INTO THE ZONE...ROOM
Margaret is eager to move on with Siggy and thinks things are looking up. Little does she know she’ll be asked to role-play later and will take the bait. I mean, really, it will be taking the bait! You’ll see.
The ladies enter a “Zone Room” after the talk. In it are all sort of people and things to help “improve one’s self worth”: i.e. Siggy’s plastic surgeon, a life coach, the relationship demise expert Vikki, a professional photographer, t-shirts with oh so inspiring slogans (including one that riffs on the Siggy-Soggy Saga - which, by the way, will continue forever).
Melissa is the one to point out that these are all superficial things and she hopes Siggy will focus more on the internal rather than the outside/appearance stuff. Go figure!
A DINNER WITH KNIVES ON THE TABLE
Teresa has told Danielle about her conversation with Dolores and how Dolores said she thought Danielle was on drugs. When the ladies go out to dinner later, relationship demise expert Vikki joins them and bears witness to Danielle bringing up Dolores’s allegations. Well, are you on drugs, Danielle? Dolores asks. One cannot blame her because IF Danielle was lying about Dolores saying Teresa is money hungry, it was batshit behavior on Danielle’s part. You don’t just pull something like that out of the air.
ROLE PLAY
In the final scene, the ladies are outside and asked to do a team building exercise. These are never good with Real Housewives. If you ask a Real Housewife to stand behind you while you fall and are instructed to completely trust her to catch you...you’re a F%*^ idiot if you indeed trust her! I mean, you all know this by now, right?!
Marge is just obeying orders when she role plays, but gets a little carried away. She tries to play Siggy the way Joan Rivers might have. The fake tears, the “Joshooooowaaaah,” Marge has it all down to a tee. I think she thinks she’s on Whose Line is It Anyway? Siggy is not going to have a sense of humor about this, but that will be our cliff hanger til next week, ladies and gentlemen.
We only see the dour look Siggy gives Marge and not full the reaction this episode. With Storm Siggy, you know there’s more to come and this Soggy Saga isn’t over - not by a long shot!
Teresa and Melissa cannot hold back the laughter while Danielle and Dolores are finally bonding over something! They’re both cringing and know this won’t end well. I neglected to mention that Margaret is rooming with Siggy and Dolores on this retreat. We saw the three of them bonding in an earlier scene. All I can say is: sleep with one eye open, Marge! Danielle had been wary of the peace she previously noted between Siggy and Marge. And she was correct that it is likely transitory. It will wear off well before the next pellet is injected into Siggy’s behind.
Stay tuned for next week.....
Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday nights at 9pm on Bravo.