Once you’ve been married long enough, you’ll start to notice the same themes popping up again and again, whether it’s getting unreasonably mad at how loud your spouse sneezes or fighting over the appropriate budget for a Costco run.
And while these little things might be aggravating in the heat of the moment, take solace in knowing you’re not the only couple out there dealing with these very issues.
Below, we’ve gathered 25 relatable tweets about married life that will crack you up.
Wife: We can't keep it
— obi (@ThaJawn) July 27, 2018
Me: It followed me home
Wife: A trampoline followed you home?
I'm so lazy, I'm more of an "atrophy" wife.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) July 27, 2018
Marriage is mostly standing at opposite sides of Target texting “where are you” over and over.
— 🥖French Breadafits🥖 (@10kbabyspiders) July 31, 2018
Husband: *parallel parks the minivan in a tight spot in one try*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 31, 2018
Me: *ovulates*
I don’t wanna talk about it until you’re about to fall asleep.
— Dan (@dadopotamus) July 28, 2018
-Marriage
Each trash day I'm painfully reminded that the word "Wife" derives from the Ancient Greek word meaning "Stuffs Kitchen Trash Can Beyond Fucking Capacity".
— 🄱Ⓜ🅰🅓 (@1_swarthy_dude) July 20, 2018
Wife: Who wrote “WHERE ARE THE BANDAIDS” in blood on the bathroom mirror?
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) August 6, 2018
Me: *duct tape around my index finger* Sounds like we have a poltergeist. By the way, where are the bandaids in case it comes back?
Got in trouble again with my wife for a facial expression I didn’t know I have.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) August 4, 2018
Behind every story my husband tells is me standing there ready to correct him and tell it much, much better.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 4, 2018
[restaurant in Mexico]
— Patches (@Mostly_Cheese) December 6, 2017
Wife: What’s good here?
Me: Bueno.
Words I could either be saying to my dog or my husband:
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) July 25, 2018
You ate ALL of that?!?
My wife said we should go to Costco today like it’s not gonna cost us at least $400 which doesn’t even include the food court
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) July 28, 2018
(Girl on 2nd date sneezes)
— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) July 25, 2018
Me: Aww that was so cute.
(Girl after 15yrs of marriage sneezes)
Me: Ugh you disgust me.
Hell hath no fury like a husband not getting heavily praised for doing a little housework.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 29, 2018
I’m making my husband take me to a farmers market today and I just know that he’s pinching himself, wondering how he got so lucky to have me.
— Stacey (@skittle624) July 28, 2018
Married Sext:
— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) July 31, 2018
I bought the big black Hefty bags, let's throw the kids shit away
Marriage, where you get to sleep with the person you’re having a combatant argument with.
— ᗰᖇ. ⓑⓞⓦⓣⓘⓔ (@DvuslyMarvelous) May 5, 2018
Waiter: do you guys want anymore chips and salsa?
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) July 31, 2018
Husband: no, I-
Me: *stabbing his thigh with my fork under the table* yes, please
Husband: *peer pressure smile*
WIFE: well, I’m turning in
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 28, 2018
ME: *excitedly pausing Shrek* to what?!
Last night I had a date night with my husband, and it was great to talk about what groceries we need, how our physical bodies are deteriorating and the acceptable ways to fold shit in a completely different setting which also cost us money
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) July 28, 2018
I don’t finish my wife’s sentences, but I do start a completely new ones in the middle of hers.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) July 22, 2018
My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.
— 🍕 Happy ChillMore™ 🍻 (@cravin4) August 7, 2018
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) August 6, 2018
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
— Dan (@dadopotamus) August 7, 2018
I loaded the dishwasher my way and ran it and the world didn't end and everything was fine.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 31, 2018
Just kidding.
My wife found out and now we're in counseling.
Before You Go
