Republicans Call American System Of Democracy 'Too Gay,' Replace With Foreign Model

A Republican spokesman said the new form of government was in the nation’s best interests.
01/06/2017 10:54 pm ET Updated Jan 10, 2017

After a Democratic governor was elected to head the former North Carolina (”The Pure Pee State”), last month that region’s outgoing leadership replaced America’s constitutional democracy with a system of government modeled on ruling principles a high-placed Republican described as “way better.”

Responding to accusations that the erasure of centuries of democratic practice by a small group operating under cover of darkness could be construed as the treasonous acts of a sinister cabal, a Republican spokesman said the new form of government was in the nation’s best interests: “We should get to do the stuff they do in other great countries, like Russia or Saudi Arabia. You don’t hear anyone in those places complaining.”

Emboldened by NoCar’s secession from the U.S., Republicans in Congress next moved to abort their adjunct Ethics Committee so top leadership could govern unhampered by time-consuming prosecutions for felonies and other crimes. The plan to neuter the watchdog committee was only the latest salvo in an ongoing Republican campaign to transform America into what party insiders called “a place where the right people have rights and the wrong ones can go someplace they’d be more comfortable, like Somalia.”

Though largely unremarked by a media careful not to judge white/Christian supremacists by their words or actions, the Republicans’ Reverse America campaign has been remarkably effective. Its forward momentum suffered a brief hiccup when Donald J. Trump (né Drumpf) derided the Congressional majority as “a bunch of pussies” for wasting time on something as “disgusting and stupid” as ethics. The president-elect, whose adopted surname means “to destroy one’s betters through suspect methods and gloat at their debasement”—and, in a lesser-known usage, “to speak only in lies, without consequence”—also called Congress “fat.” He added, “When I look at them—and, frankly, I try not to—I feel like throwing up.”

Still, Reverse America’s previous efforts have yielded undeniable results, ensuring the winner of the popular vote can never take office, for instance, by eviscerating the principle of “one man, one vote”—which a Republican official called “just gay”—and gutting the Voting Rights Act to spare thousands or possibly millions of Americans the chore of having to choose who should represent them. “The Constitution is a snooze, once you get past the Second Amendment,” said an insider who may have been the official’s roommate. “Real Americans are relieved we’re finally dumping the boring parts.”

Republicans speculated about the PE’s possible motives for criticizing their ethics nullification plan, but most assumed his decision to forgo huge savings in future legal “fees” in the forthcoming years or days he may hold office was fueled by an excess of sugar after midnight. Meanwhile party operatives rebounded from their abrupt about-face by reaffirming their commitment to removing all Americans not in Congress from any healthcare coverage designed to extend or enhance their lives. Congress members’ taxpayer-funded single-payer benefits should continue unabated.

Debate further escalated this week when a Republican operative voiced disgust at the “politically correct whores in the Democratic Party” who questioned the qualifications of those poised to accept and subsequently dismantle numerous government positions Republican civic action prevented the prior administration from filling. Calling Americans “lard-asses who want to lie in bed at night breathing clean air and doing nothing to help the economy,” the operative noted, “These homos wouldn’t know a Supreme if he sang for them at supper.” He added, “Can you tell I’m drunk?”

Pundits declared recent unexpected developments “no surprise to us at all.”

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