The lawsuit filed yesterday by O.J. Simpson publisher Judith Regan against her former employer, Rupert Murdoch, has created a "difficult personal dilemma for me," Satan said in a press conference today.
For the Prince of Darkness, who has had longstanding ties to both Ms. Regan and Mr. Murdoch, the lawsuit "leaves me feeling very much caught in the middle," Satan told reporters.
Moments after Ms. Regan filed suit in State Supreme Court in Manhattan against Mr. Murdoch's company, publishing industry insiders were buzzing with speculation over whether or not Satan would choose between two of his most loyal henchmen.
But at his press conference, held at the Marriott Hotel at Chicago's O'Hare airport, the Lord of Misrule made it clear that the dispute between Mr. Murdoch and Ms. Regan was "personally wrenching for me."
"Judith and Rupert have always been like family to me," said Satan, wearing his traditional red horns and carrying a smoldering pitchfork. "And you expect families to have their quarrels - but nothing like this."
The Prince of Darkness said that Ms. Regan's lawsuit against Mr. Murdoch had complicated his Thanksgiving plans.
"I thought that I would have them both over, but clearly that's not going to happen," he said.
Satan added that the Regan-Murdoch rift was only the latest unfortunate turn of events in a year that he described as his "annus horribilis."
"First the Michael Vick thing, and now this," he said.
Elsewhere, a new poll shows that 50% of Americans oppose issuing a driver's license to illegal aliens, while 100% oppose issuing one to Britney Spears.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.