Watch the full Clinton rap video at the end of the story
(All content is satirical)
WHOWOULDLIVEHERE, Iowa - If Hillary Clinton wants to keep up with Senator Bernie Sanders' cool grandfather vibes, said CNN anchors Jan. 26, "She's gonna have to sing."
And just in time, she has.
Clinton released her debut music video, "I'm fun, damn it," the night before the Iowa caucuses, and nine days before the New Hampshire primary.
Prior to the video, Clinton was the only of the three democratic candidates without an album. (You can find music by Martin O'Malley here, and by Sanders here.)
After winning Iowa by just 0.3 percent over opponent Bernie Sanders, Clinton hopes her rap video will gain her critical votes, especially from millennials, as the race moves forward.
"Reality TV charades are working in the Republican race," Clinton said. "I guess a sick lyrical game is what's important for the Democrats."
As one of the most important issues to voters, the new music video is expected to give Clinton at least a 20-point jump in the polls, despite its quality.
"Any woman that raps is breaking the glass ceiling, no matter who she is," said August Flora Stoney, half-ass employee at the local Birkenstock shop. "Even Nicki Minaj is breaking the glass ceiling, even though she was made in a factory by kinky old Russian men."
Clinton's remaining Democratic opponent, Bernie Sanders, released a folk album in 1987.
While his album is not hip in today's culture, his background as an artist makes him seem "like a cool grandpa" to the hipster community, the most important and influential community of all.
"I don't have a job, but I'm basically internet famous and that's all that matters in today's world," said part-time YouTuber and full-time d-bag Derek Bohner. "So when I say Bernie was cool for releasing a folk album, I know what I'm talking about."
Former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley may be out of the Presidential race, but he is still polling at 90 percent on the coolness scale. And honestly, that's all Americans care about.
"O'Malley is hunky and if he endorses one of the candidates, it would swing the election," said Sally Williams, hard-working but under-appreciated Walmart employee. "I totally think he will endorse Clinton because rap is way cooler than folk music."
Clinton's rap music video is understandably already in the nation's top ten. Nicki Minaj called it "dope." Which means kinky old Russian men also called it "dope." Which means you should watch it - it's embedded below.
But after you watch the video, please suppress the urge to call Ghostface Hillah up on the phone and ask her to get shitfaced on a nice lukewarm glass of tap water with you.
Watch a Hillary Clinton News Broadcast here