Earlier this week, my editor asked if I had any plans to see Scary Movie 5, starring tabloid stalwarts Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen. My attempt to decline the assignment by noting that I've never seen any of the prior
11:15 a.m. It seems that one other person on the Upper East Side of Manhattan woke up this morning and decided, "I want to see Scary Movie 5."
11:23 a.m. Both Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are on the movie screen that I am watching.
11:24 a.m. I just realized that this is the second time I've seen a movie featuring Lindsay Lohan in the last three weeks.
11:24 a.m. (This is just a reminder to myself to check my employment contract later today to find out if any sort of bereavement or mental-anguish claim can be made against my health-insurance policy.)
11:25 a.m. Lindsay Lohan just delivered a line about how she likes to live her life in private. This is supposed to be funny because it isn't true, I guess. Charlie Sheen has a dozen video cameras set up to film him and Lohan having intercourse. This is supposed to be funny because it is true, I guess.
11:27 a.m. When in doubt, speed up the camera and cue the Benny Hill theme song. (I'm talking about the scene where Sheen and Lohan have sex, by the way.)
11:27 a.m. I wonder if Benny Hill has yet completed a full rotation in his grave. If not, I would assume he's almost done.
11:29 a.m. Snoop Dogg is involved in a Cabin in the Woods parody. What's weird is that he's referring to The Cabin in the Woods as nonchalantly as any other movie being parodied. Did anyone who wrote this movie actually see The Cabin in the Woods? They know it's a parody, right? A really good one, at that -- unlike what I'm watching right now.
11:32 a.m. This movie makes absolutely no sense.
11:34 a.m. A grown woman just punched a child.
11:35 a.m. A baby's head is on fire.
11:35 a.m. I should add, those last two scenes were played for laughs.
11:37 a.m. David Zucker is one of the writers of this movie. I have the utmost respect for David Zucker -- he is part of the team responsible for creatingAirplane!. But Scary Movie 5 is just making me sad. I really hope that, if there's a Scary Movie 6, Zucker just decides to screen Airplane! instead.
11:40 a.m. OK, here's the plot as best I understand it: Jody (Ashley Tisdale) and Dan (Simon Rex) are placed in charge of Charlie Sheen's three children after Sheen is killed. These three children are possessed. Also, they live in a house with Paranormal Activity type cameras set up. Also, Dan works in a lab where he developed a serum that makes monkeys smart. Also, in Jody's free time, she is involved in a production of Swan Lake. Also, I am looking forward to the look on my editor's face when I hand in my letter of resignation.
11:42 a.m. A reference was just made to 127 Hours. InAPPropriate Comedy also did this. I really want to know why everyone's so eager to make jokes about a three-year-old movie.
11:43 a.m. You know what? I changed my mind. I don't care.
11:47 a.m. It's like there's someone on set yelling, "There hasn't been a sight gag in ten seconds. Will someone punch someone, please!" I mean, it's just relentless.
11:49 a.m. I don't even feel disgust for this movie. I just feel overwhelming sadness right now: Sadness for the people in this movie; sadness for me; sadness for that one lone stranger sitting ten rows behind me. It's just a very sad world right now.
11:55 a.m. The characters seem concerned because one of the children is walking on top of the water in the swimming pool. Perhaps I'm desensitized to this after watching Ric Ocasek do the same thing 29 years ago.
12:02 p.m. I am watching a scene in which the electronic pool cleaners become possessed and, because they are now possessed, throw a party for other electronic pool cleaners.
12:03 p.m. While playing beer pong, one of the electronic pool cleaners vomited.
12:03 p.m. I'm going to stop writing things down for a while.
12:12 p.m. So, now there's a scene parodying Inception. The guy playing the DiCaprio part (Ben Cornish) actually does a pretty terrific Leo impression. I would watch an entire movie of this guy playing Leonardo DiCaprio.
12:19 p.m. Honestly, I really do think that there was a conversation on the set that went like this:
"There's a 10-second period in which there's no joke or sight gag."
"What if we have that man punch that woman in the face?"
"Oh, good thinking. Also: Let's do that a lot."
12:30 p.m. This is a dismal experience.
12:31 p.m. This movie is much better than InAPPropriate Comedy.
12:34 p.m. The final line of the movie starts with a fake Morgan Freeman (I sure hope it's fake) voiceover saying, "If anything is to be learned from this, mankind is a pathetic race." I could not have said it better.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
